Words,lies and deep thoughts

When your friend is most active might be the time to make sure they are ok. Their words can be lies but body language and behaviour doesn't. It is weird most suicides happen in the spring. And sometimes when someone goes from down and inactive to wildly active it can mean more than people think.

Don't let your friend lie to you and slip away.

Remind them things will get better.

nothing really: just my day today

I was in my house today--at least physically although mentally i was residing in the town of Chester's Mill--as doing an "Under the Dome" marathon has definitely gone to my head. My cats are lounging as they do unless I am on my phone in which case Angelbaby gets jealous of the phone and has to go between me and the phone crying and blocking it from view. I have told her she is a better door than a window.

I note my breakfast on my diet log. I keep a small notebook to track my carb and general macronutient intake. I try to keep my carbs to 45 carbs a meal--complex carbs only and try to limit them to within an hour after exercise. Since I am not running 40 mile weeks I need to get more serious about my nutrition. Sugars, unhealthy fats, starchy carbs, limit on beer and alcohol and keeping more careful track of what I am eating and when. 

As I take a break from Chester's Mill I turn on Tori Amos on my Pandora stations. I have several stations--a  lot of stand up comedy stations. I am a stand up comedy addict. I know so many comics routines by heart as I am fine with hearing the same routines over and over again until even the cadence and timing can be done precisely. I love to watch stand up comedy on YouTube but mostly just listen to it for hours as background noise while I am home working on art projects, reading, cleaning or doing homework.

Time to take an exercise break:  Heading out to my bike The Minivan, armed with warmer clothes for riding the bike and my light long sleeved shirt for running and walking I ride my way down the B-line to Adams street then turn around and ride the B-line and rail trail until Church lane. Leaving my warmer clothes behind I take off on a run/walk routine down the clear creek trail about 2 miles out and 2 miles back.

I love seeing the red winged blackbirds and enjoy seeing the little songbirds in the wooden houses along the path--when they see me they fly away like "Nothing to see here..I am over here now. Nope, no babies around". I see several people today including my friend Chris running with purpose, a man in an M&M cap I compliment  him on and a birder with binoculars which I have a short conversation with about the fact that that is a huge crow rather than a hawk and asking him why the tiny songbirds chase the crows. He informs me crows attack the little bird's babies and will eat the eggs so they little birds actually take the initiative and chase and attack the crows before they get the chance. Brave little birds!!Those crows are four times their size. What a mother will do for her young.

I passed a house with a bunch of free stuff on the lawn. I took two nice water bottles, some weight lifting/cycling gloves; a warm coat (pretty big and long on me but very warm); a backpack and a slinky. I don't know why the slinky--maybe because i used to love them and never see metal ones anymore. 

Back home reading blogs and my natural health cures book looking for benefits of apple cider vinegar which I have started to take a teaspoon of every day interspersed with a bit of juice. I have started using coconut oil as well--for cooking but also as a hair conditioner. Once a week I coat my hair with some liquefied coconut oil, leave it in a shower cap overnight and then wash it out in the morning. It creates the nicest quality of conditioning I have found. I also use Argon Oil conditioner and spray. Grey hair can become wiry if not treated to conditioning. I only shampoo my hair about twice a week now so it is more conditioned than anything.

Witch Hazel has become my toner of choice as well. A bit of witch hazel and then a little coconut oil to add over the top. You would think coconut oil would add too much oil and cause blemishes but it actually helps my face to be moisturized without the blemishes. I am unlucky in some ways to be allergic to quite a few skin treatments including neutragena plus I have a metal allergy so no jewelry. Although I have some wonderful friends who have made me non-metal necklaces and such so I can have some jewelry to wear.


Night time is time to read and write. I am reading a few different books right now. Walden by Thoreau; The Shining by Stephen King and a book called The Search for Shrodinger's Cat.  I like to write poetry and stories and occasionally publish them in one of my three blogs. I come from a long line of writers and poets so it is in my blood I think. Both of my parents were reporters and writers. Pretty darn good photographers too. My mom even co-wrote a book about country and western stars in which she got to meet some big names including Johnny and June Carter Cash. She also interviewed some cool people like Jane Pauley, the Today show host back in the 70's and 80's.

I do some stretching before bed. Tomorrow I start my training for my certified recovery specialist certification which I am already getting set up to get a job at the local mental health center as a recovery coach. I am excited by it. I took this training actually five years ago previous to the personal training certification and got certified but was not able to find a job in the field. This time I have told them I am willing to take it over again but really will need to lead to some type of job. They are already starting the process so I am feeling fairly confident at this point. My personal training business is starting up slowly but that is the nature of new business. I now have about three clients so I feel good about that.


So there you go. Thanks for reading!

LOST

The most precious words to say are "I am Lost".

        I'm lost to the big, blunt world,

lost to the shouting rants, 24 hour news,

       the crowded hallways—the rush of briefcases.

The best thing I can say is that when I am lost I am found,

       for there are paths invisible and roads unattainable

that the deserted ones can find.

If I am shaking my heart—my mind--

                     free of deceitful spaces and false edges

                I will go there quietly.

  Quickly--a gecko on the wall,

           silent as a shadow.

   You won't notice me leaving until it's too late.

If I were to land a burning plane

    on the tarmac and save everyone within

would I dine at the table of the gracious?

    If I were to swim the great ocean all alone

and reach France in time for dinner

   would you join me for a glass of wine?

If I were to run all the mountains of Switzerland

   with bare feet and the clothes on my back

would you be wanting to speak of dreams?

                I will listen until you have emptied yourself

   of every thought and feeling

you wish to share with me--

   honored to be in your circle of trust.

Taking this innocence of time

   passing I will lean closer to you,

smell your hair,

    breathe in your outgoing breath,

hold my eyes closed

   feeling each muscle stir within your smile.

Working towards living authentically

 
        I have been working the last few months on myself and learning to live a  more authentic life. I am getting out more, reading more good books, taking myself off my headphones so i can really engage with people throughout the day even though that can be hard to do and harder still in these times when people are plugged in most of the time. Putting myself out there as an individual voice is a greater test of strength than I realized and enjoying what I have while not bothering with what I don't is essential, not just to me, but to all of us.
     Social networking is important to me. It helps me stay in contact with my far-away, spread out, family. It keeps me in the know about what my friends from afar are doing and gives me strength from reading about their strengths. I drives my new business and hopefully brings me new people that I can help. But it can also detract from my living a life driven by my own thoughts, emotions and desires and less from what I believe I should believe in and follow by watching others.
    The last few months have been one where I am giving myself the space I need, the silence I need, to figure out who I really am. So far this has been a real process. I am working on a poetry book, studying more, going to more social events and learning to be myself FOR myself and not for others. I still have my worries. I think everyone does. But letting the world drive my actions is not the way to be my true self.
     Through this all I have discovered so many facets of myself that I wasn't truly aware of. I am clearing out  out my head and taming that inner voice that says I need to go the way everyone else goes. That is the way of confusion and shallowness and away from emotional and mental depth. It's so important to be mindful, to be okay with silence, to be my own best friend and only work from my own judgement and work towards what I truly feel is my place and  passion in life. That may take some "long, dark, tea-time of the soul" moments and when I look into that mirror I might find I have more to work on than I thought and that there are things I have been running from for a long time. But only in facing those dark spots within myself can I really grow and change.
    I must embrace all parts of myself not just the ones that give me warm fuzzies but the faces I don't like to see, the thoughts I don't like to think and the small, self-criticizing and ego-centric parts that are dark but are the stepping stones to relating truly with myself. Once I see though clear lenses instead of rose-colored ones I can begin to move towards the real me--the one I have always wanted to be.
   Letting that voice speak is an important part of personal growth. Freeing those facets of myself that I have not wanted to look at or deal with is the way of truth and light. Through the dark woods I can find that sunrise. Silencing those fears, doubts and insecurities is the way of a life of lies. Though in many ways I have made improvements there is always more to do. Life is about lessons and learning along the way. It is through these tests of strength and self-assessments I can change from what I have learned. As the quote says "Lessons in life will be repeated until they are learned." If I shun the truths of those lessons and tests I continue to fall prey to a life of repetitious behavior and thought patterns that don't assist me in my quest for a life well-lived--that leave me by the roadside, cut off and un-original.  
  

     There is nothing more to do with my time here on Earth than to work towards becoming. When I am self-aware I can open my heart to others and quell my fears of social judgement and personal insecurities. I can really reach out and touch others and keep my life an open book that can be filled with the most beautiful poetry. Learning mindfulness and meditation is a good way for me to do this. Reading and studying new things, engaging my creativity and keeping myself both emotionally and mentally healthy is another. Expanding what I know and taking scary steps in my process of self-growth and change is one of the most difficult things I have undertaken but also the most urgent. I cannot be there for others if I am not first there for myself.
   This may seem like an ego-centric post but I hope you come from a place of understanding that my way to true care and interactions with those I know about can only be improved and solidified through my growth as an individual. Otherwise I am just going through the motions of loving others. I am only putting on a social face and not really listening--not really engaging and not learning who the other person is and what they are about inside. I cannot truly be in the moment with people and so can spend a bulk of my time in the past or in the future. That is no way to make connection.
   I have been training my mind to focus on that which is in front of me--to not just go away inside when things get tough with my friends and family--but to really work on my relationships in a true way.
   There is only now. There is only this moment and this connection with the world around me. Look around and see what there is to see. You might be surprised with the beauty and depth the world has to offer.

Poem: Forest Faerie Tale

Night falls to creatures sly

Eyes burning bright in the moon filled sky

A bringing together of disparate minds

brought together by space and time.

Quiet are the little lights

that bring forth their eldritch glow

Into the deep of night where woody wights do go.

The rustles among the dead, dry leaves

grow stronger with each windy heave

Peat moss softly like a cloud

feet go quickly underneath the boughs.

Senses wild with scents and sound

Energy growing---wild--unbound.

The moon she sends forth her wanton rays

Into the forest's Faerie ways.

It glides across the peat moss floor--

opening every portal door.

The worlds meld like flames to wax

Moonbeams—sealing long-lost pacts.

Raising hands up to collect the light---

We gasp and clasp our fingers tight.

Holding on to our grounding firm

Yet pulling like wool we 'round the turn.

Our minds are free—Faerie turned

Our hearts are fire that freely burns.

We sail—we flee—we fly to the sky.

We feel we shall never die.

And to the moon we dance our fate--

our souls open up like a garden gate.

While we sail our ship of deep--

we find our peace and fall asleep.

Heather Lake

Poem: The River Has Long Arms

 The river has long arms---

     it reaches out to the sea

longingly--like a lover--

    moving it's great slow dance

down to the shore. 

Fish dart; crawdads sweep the dirt floor,

   moss grows thickly on the wet rock.

The trees have birds for hair--

  they flit and fly and cover the branches

in vast and vibrant waves of wings.

The river winds like a golden string

    through forests rich with trees---

around red-dirt banks and rocky cliffs,

   the sound is susurrous and shy.

It finds it's way, it moves with winds and rains

finally becoming part of the great water it loves. 

H.L.

Among the great, tall trees

Among the great, tall trees there lies a trail
     burning with purpose and the fire of the natural.

Among the cascades of water coming down the grey stones
    there are tiny fish darting from one frothy side to another.

Among the bending reeds of the meadow
     spiders cast their ornate and intricate webs.

Among the Small, the seemingly Unimportant
    there is the truth of life, the sound of largess and strenth,
contrary to what is visible.

For there lies the secret.
There lies the whispers we listen to
    when all the curtains of our solid lives open and leave us
gasping for breath.

Among our needs, our desires, our wishes
  for what is and what will come and what we will DO
lies the quiet moment when we just ARE.

H.L.