Working towards living authentically

 
        I have been working the last few months on myself and learning to live a  more authentic life. I am getting out more, reading more good books, taking myself off my headphones so i can really engage with people throughout the day even though that can be hard to do and harder still in these times when people are plugged in most of the time. Putting myself out there as an individual voice is a greater test of strength than I realized and enjoying what I have while not bothering with what I don't is essential, not just to me, but to all of us.
     Social networking is important to me. It helps me stay in contact with my far-away, spread out, family. It keeps me in the know about what my friends from afar are doing and gives me strength from reading about their strengths. I drives my new business and hopefully brings me new people that I can help. But it can also detract from my living a life driven by my own thoughts, emotions and desires and less from what I believe I should believe in and follow by watching others.
    The last few months have been one where I am giving myself the space I need, the silence I need, to figure out who I really am. So far this has been a real process. I am working on a poetry book, studying more, going to more social events and learning to be myself FOR myself and not for others. I still have my worries. I think everyone does. But letting the world drive my actions is not the way to be my true self.
     Through this all I have discovered so many facets of myself that I wasn't truly aware of. I am clearing out  out my head and taming that inner voice that says I need to go the way everyone else goes. That is the way of confusion and shallowness and away from emotional and mental depth. It's so important to be mindful, to be okay with silence, to be my own best friend and only work from my own judgement and work towards what I truly feel is my place and  passion in life. That may take some "long, dark, tea-time of the soul" moments and when I look into that mirror I might find I have more to work on than I thought and that there are things I have been running from for a long time. But only in facing those dark spots within myself can I really grow and change.
    I must embrace all parts of myself not just the ones that give me warm fuzzies but the faces I don't like to see, the thoughts I don't like to think and the small, self-criticizing and ego-centric parts that are dark but are the stepping stones to relating truly with myself. Once I see though clear lenses instead of rose-colored ones I can begin to move towards the real me--the one I have always wanted to be.
   Letting that voice speak is an important part of personal growth. Freeing those facets of myself that I have not wanted to look at or deal with is the way of truth and light. Through the dark woods I can find that sunrise. Silencing those fears, doubts and insecurities is the way of a life of lies. Though in many ways I have made improvements there is always more to do. Life is about lessons and learning along the way. It is through these tests of strength and self-assessments I can change from what I have learned. As the quote says "Lessons in life will be repeated until they are learned." If I shun the truths of those lessons and tests I continue to fall prey to a life of repetitious behavior and thought patterns that don't assist me in my quest for a life well-lived--that leave me by the roadside, cut off and un-original.  
  

     There is nothing more to do with my time here on Earth than to work towards becoming. When I am self-aware I can open my heart to others and quell my fears of social judgement and personal insecurities. I can really reach out and touch others and keep my life an open book that can be filled with the most beautiful poetry. Learning mindfulness and meditation is a good way for me to do this. Reading and studying new things, engaging my creativity and keeping myself both emotionally and mentally healthy is another. Expanding what I know and taking scary steps in my process of self-growth and change is one of the most difficult things I have undertaken but also the most urgent. I cannot be there for others if I am not first there for myself.
   This may seem like an ego-centric post but I hope you come from a place of understanding that my way to true care and interactions with those I know about can only be improved and solidified through my growth as an individual. Otherwise I am just going through the motions of loving others. I am only putting on a social face and not really listening--not really engaging and not learning who the other person is and what they are about inside. I cannot truly be in the moment with people and so can spend a bulk of my time in the past or in the future. That is no way to make connection.
   I have been training my mind to focus on that which is in front of me--to not just go away inside when things get tough with my friends and family--but to really work on my relationships in a true way.
   There is only now. There is only this moment and this connection with the world around me. Look around and see what there is to see. You might be surprised with the beauty and depth the world has to offer.