Love Never Ends
This Thanksgiving it will be 6 years to the day that my Mel died. We were together for 5 years when she passed. She was only 45. It was sudden and confusing and traumatic for not only me but her daughter and granddaughters and siblings. We were not quite sure what happened. I went out to Wendy's and Kroger one night. Her last words to me were "Bring me back a chili with cheese." I always regret not giving her a hug goodbye. When I got home she was basically gone. I called 911 and they tried their best but she passed away that night. I was stunned, overwhelmed and very, very sad. That winter was hard. I was in the house where we lived and where she died. I spent a lot of time at home watching TV. I watched a lot of stand up comedy. Though it didn't make me laugh much it at least gave me something positive to focus on every day. I got pretty sick inside. I wrote poetry, I painted, I tried to get out and do stuff.
I was that way for awhile then began to find my way back to the land of the living. I have described this journey many times so I won't go into it again however I feel I conquered more than my health but also my emotional/mental state. Working out gave me something to really concentrate on, something to feel in control of. I was not in total control over my world however when I was in class or on my own, exercising and learning new skills, I felt I had control over that at least. I moved into a new place and started truly embracing a new life. I took my AFAA course and became certified as a personal trainer, joined the staff at Recreational Sports and started really enjoying things again. I was no longer just surviving but thriving.
Six years later and I am stronger than I have ever been and I count Mel's death as part of that. Because of her early demise and how swiftly it occured it showed me the Power of Now. She didn't know that was her last day on earth. What would she have done differently if she had known? Now is all we have. The past is over and the future is not here yet. If I were to die today would I die with a clean conscience, a satisfied heart and a soul overflowing with good things? I strive for that to be the case. 45 is way too young to die. Now that I am getting up to that age I treat every day with the respect it deserves.
I take chances. I strive to learn something new every day. I work hard at my job, my relationships and my training so I can continue to do the things that now make me ME. Running long distances has been a big part of my recovery. When I am on a run, especially really long runs or races, I have time to get quiet inside and to think of all the things that make me happy. I make sense of my life, the choices I made and how it has all panned out today. Whether on the road or on the trails (though I prefer the woods) a good run always clears my head and brings me home in my heart. When those feet hit the ground my soul is lifted, my heart is full and I feel if Mel is looking down at me now she is happy I am happy. She wouldn't want this to have ruined my life.
This Thanksgiving I am going to run a turkey trot, go out to eat somewhere and work at the Community Kitchen that evening. It may not be the easiest day for me but then life is not meant to be easy. To be truly authentic my life must be made up of challenges otherwise how would I grow? Like being sore after a good workout and knowing it is because your muscles are growing and adapting, going through hard things makes little tears in your heart so that it can then grow stronger and better, adapt and change. And I can be truly thankful that I got to meet and spend time with someone so strong, loving and sweet. She is gone but never truly gone.
I try not to be someone who spreads sadness. I write this not for pity, sympathy or counseling but only because for ME to be real and whole as a person I must write my story good and bad. It has made me who I am today. It has made me stronger, better and more fully "present" in my life. LOVE NEVER ENDS.
In Her Memory
November 28,2007
