Thoughts from a widow--Orlando shooting

This will be a bit rambling as my head is still getting wrapped around what has happened in Orlando at the Pulse nightclub. It is unfortunately not surprising that LGBT people were a target. And I dearly wish that weren't so. I don't understand why someone else's love choice is SO enraging to some people it's okay to kill them, picket their funeral, beat them up, discriminate against them at work, in medical matters, in matters of life and death.

I had a wife. She passed away in 2007.  She had a daughter who is still my family. Her daughter at the time had two daughters. Now she has five children. She is my step-daughter and they are my grandchildren. Not legally though. Not legally because someone decided we were not counted as a family.

 We were married on a beautiful day in September in 2002. We were surrounded by people who loved us. We were welcomed into a family of people who believed in our love and commitment. We exchanged our vows that we would be bound together as a couple, as a family.

We walked through that land hand in hand and were celebrated and felt loved and accepted by the ones around us. It was a wonderful day. But on paper it was nothing. Though we had said our vows and proclaimed our commitment there was no public record. When she was sick and had to be in the hospital or go to the emergency room I could often not visit her there or get information on how she was doing because I was not considered family.

Explaining what the relationship to my step-daughter and her children were was sometimes complicated as legally they were nothing to me. Even though they meant everything to me. We had a home together. We bought a car together. We had a garden and bird houses. We planned meals, vacations and family get-togethers. We took family photos. Her daughter and grand-daughters lived with us for a time. We were a busy, thriving, loud family and we loved each other very much--all of us. 

But there was nothing I could do for her when she was ill. There was nothing I could do to help her when she was hospitalized, there was no legal recourse to help her with her legal matters when she was unable to do so.

When she passed away I couldn't get the death certificate or find out exact cause of her death. (It was sudden). I paid for her funeral and casket out of her last disability payment however was not considered legally entitled to do so because I was "not family". Over the next year I waded through her belongings, paid for her tombstone, tried to deal with debts for which I was responsible for now and, all the while, could not tell most people why I was so sad and 

I

what I had lost. A grieving widow in a straight couple is understood, able to find resources to help and given legal assistance with the particulars of the death of her spouse. I was not given any of that.

I would not trade that life for anything. It was filled with love, loud kids, camping trips, romance, special family times and a home together.

Our marriage was important. Every marriage should be legally recognized. As long as no one is getting hurt every union should be recognized. Our marriage hurt no one. Our home added to the community. Taking care of our duties to each other and to the kids--taking them to their first day of Kindergarten, picking them up at school, helping with homework. All that was important and still at the school I was not legally recognized as a grandparent.

Then there is this horrible hate crime. There have been many horrible hate crimes. Protesters saying dead soldiers are going to hell for being gay. People beaten, denied access to basic human rights, denied health coverage, spousal support, survivor benefits, adoption rights...it unfortunately goes on and on.

When this man went into this club and started shooting innocent people who were simply living differently than him I cried. I cried because he didn't care about who they were, what their home lives and families were like, about the love they had surrounded themselves with and how hard they fought in so many ways to be recognized.

He only saw they were different and it made him HATE. It made him KILL.

I am sad today. I am angry today. I have to reconcile this inside my mind. I find I cannot. There is no rhyme or reason to this. It's only RAGE and HATRED and there is really nothing more I can say.

Today--whatever your orientation--give thanks for your family--your spouses--your children--your lives. Hug those you love a little tighter and tell them you love them.