Depression, anxiety and all that comes with them

 


I recently started working again after months of depression and anxiety which kept me practically nailed to my home. I had a hard time going out of the house. I didn't have the energy to talk to people--to do anything other than stay home, sleep, read a little if I could (depression can sap my concentration making it harder for me to read.

I took consolation in the friends I felt I could talk to but my mind told me most of my friends either were overwhelmed and didn't want me around, that I was too much for them, that my ability was more than I said it was. I wanted to work--to be a contributing member of society--but my mind kept me prisoner for months.

This is not the first time. It won't be the last.

I found a job. A job I liked-that I was proud of. But the anxiety made it harder to learn--to concentrate and remember things--to be comfortable around my co-workers, to handle the hours without being exhausted and stressed all the time. My boss was wonderful. My co-workers tried to help me with remembering things but they got frustrated too. I felt frustrated by my inability to do the job as well as I wanted to.

That only made things worse. On the days I wasn't working I was going to my doctor's appointments and getting the bare minimum done that I could manage but spent a lot of time at home-tired, in bed, trying to prepare for the next day of work. Some days I cried at work. Out of frustration at my inabilities, at my tendency to overreact to small, probably not real, slights. I was shy of customers, sometimes forgetting my words. IT was hard to learn the drinks, hard to learn the register, hard to feel comfortable.

Now I will find something else to do. It will be, hopefully, easier on me with my disability and help me to continue working. My doctor at the beginning of this job said it was ambitious to do 25 hours a week but I pushed on-hoping it would get easier. It didn't. Though I was treated very fairly I felt I didn't fit in.


I wish for a future at my job where I can find something that suits me. I feel better when I can work a little. I feel better having a reason to leave the house, a way to make some extra money, a way to learn to connect with people despite my setbacks in my health. The thyroid problem didn't help. I was tired a lot, i had brain fog which caused me to make many mistakes.

There is a reason I get social security. I am not taking from the government without reason. Supporting myself fully and staying well are things I cannot do. I am not "giving up". I am not "lazy". I am not without merit. Many times I overestimate my abilities and sometimes it pays off--in doing some very hard things like running my distance races, working at IU, learning new things.

But, unfortunately, they are unwelcome guests in my mind and they limit me. I wish I could tell people every little way they affect me but it would be a long story. So I just try every day. I work on these things every day. I rest when I need to. I heed my doctor's orders. I ask for help when I need it even though my pride can get in the way. I want to do everything myself.

I just needed to write this. Not to garner sympathy but understanding and to combat any stigma or ways I am misrepresented to others.

All I ask is----please be patient with me. I am doing the very best I can.