My own inconvenient truth

      I have used this blog as an outlet to talk about my experiences with bi-polar disorder and how it affects my life. I feel the response has been positive, caring and thoughtful and so feel I am able to be myself on here.......to let my truth out and know it will be met with the light of love and understanding.
    That being said I have been having a lot more problems with my depression in the last few months. I have kept this mostly hidden from all but a few close friends and my doctor. I feel sometimes like I don't want to drain the friendships I have by being negative and want to embrace the light I can find even when I feel my darkest. My greatest light is my relationships with others. When I am in a more depressed state those valued relationships and the way I see them can be compromised. It affects my memory, my concentration and my ability to feel all of my feelings. The truth about depression is not that it is sad but it can be a LACK of feeling....that though something Should be feeling a certain way I cannot process it.  I feel the sting more deeply of any kind of difficulty in my friendships or family and have to remind myself that it can be just that my glasses are darker and not that things with my relationships, not to mention my life, are hard. I love my life, my job, my friends, my family and my community and only feel this negativity when my illness begins to tell me differently.
   I have negotiated the waters of this depression through the caring of those that know me best, my physician who has been with me for years and has seen me through worse times and my knowledge gleaned from years of ups and downs that these things don't last. They come and go through my life like leaves in a stream. I only have to get through it and I know there will be light again. I have managed to keep doing pretty well at my career and feel I have kept my friends pretty happy with me. I might have been a bit more solitary but sometimes that is what we all need when we are nursing ourselves back to wellness.
   Now that my depression is beginning to lift I must be careful not to let it go the opposite direction. What goes down must come up. And sometimes that is WAY up. When I deal with a depression it is always a chance that I may go too far in the other direction once I am coming out of it. Though that may sound awesome it is not really. Hypo-manic is pretty good as far as it goes. I have more energy, sign up for more stuff and feel I can go further and faster. I feel more confident, more outgoing and find social events more engaging.
   The problem is when the hypo-manic starts to rev up to full mania. I have had only three fully manic episodes in my life and I can tell you without a doubt that they are scary places to be. It is like rising up in a hot air balloon to realize you have no way to bring it down to the ground again. My thoughts start to fly too fast, my energy gets to be too frantic, I can't sleep and I begin to believe I am invincible which can lead to it's own downfalls.
    I am not going to worry about the future though. The future will be the way it will be and if I have any of those symptoms I have lived with them before and can usually read the signs before I am too far up in the sky to find my way back down. I also have a loving community to give me strong ties to a solid reality where the light is not so bright it blinds me.
    Saturday I go to run the Tecumseh Trail Marathon. My last marathon...the Eagle Creek Marathon in August was right at the start of my depressed period and two days after a massive panic attack. It was a very, very hard race. Not only did I arrive late and in a state of total panic and disarray but then had some troubles with my hydration pack and things which would ordinarily not bring me to my knees however with those dark lenses on I was not in that place of steadiness and spent the race having mini-breakdowns which were seen to by some very loving friends old and new and I can't thank them enough. I go into this marathon feeling more upbeat, excited, ready and solid and I believe this race will be what an honestly beautiful thing a trail race can be. I feel like my feet are on the ground and my heart is in the right place and hopefully that will be enough.


             Never give up on yourself. You are the only one who can save yourself. No one can do it for you.