A trip down memory lane with the grandkids

My life has had so many wonderful moments with my family given to me thanks to Melinda. I have been with the girls since they were little all the way up to now when the eldest girl will be turning 18 tomorrow.  Tempus Fugit!


Rain as a baby. Look at that smile!

Here is the beginning of our shared family. Nikki was Melinda's daughter and Rain and Sky came with Nikki when she moved down here. It was the beginning of something that would affect me the rest of my life. Even though we lost Melinda in 2007 she left behind a legacy.

 This was when I first met Sky. She was just a baby with such fine, light hair it wouldn't stay down and looked almost white. Big eyes. She wasn't talking yet when I first got to know her.

Melinda, my late wife, and rain when she was 2 years old. I love this photo. 

Rain blowing bubbles out in the yard at our little house. She was so easy to please and she enjoyed such little things. And so inquisitive.

Here is Sky during her Head Start years. She loved to make art and was very good at it. These days she enjoys books. 

We lived in this little 2 bedroom house with their mom. It was crowded but fun and busy. The girls were growing up so much! Sky above is brushing my hair and there she is about 2 sleeping.

This one is one of my favorites. Sky in her cool sunglasses makes me smile  :-)

Rain is feeding her dolly. So intent on her motherly duties!

The BIG KID bus! How exciting!

Rain's first day of kindergarten. So nervous but so excited for the big bus and the big school.  Seeing her getting on that bus was a big moment for all of us. And there she went.....starting school. 

A year after Melinda passed away Ocean was born. This photo is of Rain, Sky and Ocean in their family portrait. 

This photo was actually taken in the dark with a flash camera. We were singing happy birthday to her and i guess she didn't want to hear it. Ha. Got her a spongebob cake and I bought her a mini electric guitar. 

Just giving her a squeeze! Ocean is 2 now.

Sky and Ocean. So sweet!

I love this photo of Rain and Sky. So pretty and peaceful looking. 

Took Ocean to the park. She is almost as big as I am! I think she will be tall. It was a beautiful day 

Ocean getting used to a headlamp maybe be a runner like her grandma. Getting started on her strength training too with an exercise ball. They loved playing with my exercise stuff. 

This was a day all three of them were playing outside on their bikes and just goofing around. Rain was being extremely silly. Sky was hanging out watching the action. Ocean was enjoying her tricycle. It was a lovely summer day.

Goofing off with cat face   

I took this quick candid shot of Rain. I love it so much. Her easy smile and smiling eyes. She looks so happy and relaxed. Getting bigger all the time!








Sky trying on the marathon gear. Maybe she will go for one someday! She loved to wear the reflective blanket and the medal.

Sky is ready to be a marathon champion! Look at that face. Ready to take on the world!

This was my first photo taken with Savanna. She was born after Ocean. So little here!

Savanna falling asleep at the Women's Reproductive Rights Rally. It wore her out! she is wearing her pink ribbon

Ocean, Savanna and I last summer. Two shiny girls and a very proud grandma.

Getting
      some
          hugs
              from
                  Rain
              and
    Sky

Love my girls!!!! 

Ocean, last November, celebrating her 9th birthday. She is getting to be such a big girl. Time goes by so quickly. It's important to capture what you can while its here.

A photo of the whole family. Nikki, Rain, Sky, Ocean, Savanna and the little guy with the Ipad is JJ. The whole crew present and accounted for!

So many years later and we are still a great family. Rain is turning 18 tomorrow. An official adult. From little tiny to lovely young woman. Sky isn't far behind her--turning to an interesting young woman herself. Savanna and Ocean are in school and JJ will be following soon enough.


I have such gratitude for all these times with the kids, with Nikki, with Melinda. Families aren't always born of blood but of love.

I love my family so much and so happy to have them. Everyone growing up before my eyes and I get to see all the changes and experiences. I am a very lucky woman.

Snow Day: A poem

Snow Day

Snow falling on trees

branches swirled like spider webs

in the sun,

a reflection of light and

perpetuation of shadows

guiding me on my walk today.

The snow like a white ribbon

scarcely used and devoid

of footprints--

the world is quiet,

no birdsong,

the wind a companion

that brings flakes to my eyes.

The early morning silence

falls into my ears

I feel deaf

and I cannot hear my feet walking.

Out in that swirling maelstrom

of white there lies a secret

that the cold whispers to me.

“Great things happen in the absence of noise”

My soul lies still

relaxation of my busy desires.

I long only, for a moment,

to dream in my inner space.

H.Rose

Me Too

I'm encouraged by the posts about sexual assault to briefly tell you my story. When I was a teen I had left home at 16 and was down in Kansas city without parents or family. Due to an unfortunate event I was briefly homeless.

One night I had gone to a park with my backpack and a blanket to sleep there. I saw a man approach from the dark side of the park. I saw a glint of metal and realized he had a gun. I tucked my knife back into my backpack so as not to provoke him

He sat at the table holding the gun facing me. I tried to fake him out saying I had a boyfriend who was coming soon.

He held the gun to my head, had me lay down on the picnic bench and told me if I made a sound he would shoot. He then raped me. After he told me to lay still and count to 100. If I got up before that he said he would shoot me.

Since I was a wayward teenager sleeping in a park the police weren't inclined to work very hard. They just asked me what did I think being in the park at night. Look at my little shorts and t-shirt. Basically I was treated as a druggie runaway not worthy of much time nor investigation.

So there is my story. Short. It happened. That's life and it sucks and it should never happen to anyone. I am glad the Me Too thing is going viral. Maybe something will happen. I hope so.

The child within--a poem

There once was an older woman
who felt often like a child.
She wanted still to reach the moon,
hold it in her hands,
fly among the stars
to land in Neverland.
Fall down a long rabbit hole,
meet a magic smiling cat,
have tea with the Mad Hatter,
have him make her a brand new hat.

She bravely set out each morning
with her backpack on her back,
hoping for a magic mirror
or meet a boy with a pure white cow--
a boy whose name was Jack.
She counted numbers to find
their careful hidden codes,
drew pictures of her dreams,
and she always kept in her mind
that things were never as they seem.

So when you see a woman,
with hair that's grey and white.
Remember that she hides an inner child
who guides her day and night.

H.Rose

The benefits of periods of celibacy

   Why when I look up the subject of celibacy online it always points me to religious reasons or a disdain or dislike for physical closeness with someone? Pictures in the mind of one who is left alone through some defect of character, history, baggage or looks?

   In my life I have at times practiced long periods of celibacy. This is not because I can't attract someone or are religiously motivated. All it means is that for a time I choose to go without the pressures and difficulties of a relationship. This includes sex as I need true feelings to have a sexual experience. As I grow older this is more and more important to me.

  I do not feel as though I am missing out on something when I take these periods of celibacy. After my partner died in 2007 I went many years fully celibate. It was a time to work on myself, go through my grieving process without a rebound relationship to latch onto for some co-dependent need. I worked on my health, both physically; mentally and emotionally, and felt a freedom not to invest my time in pursuing sexual avenues. I found my expression in physical exertion, learning new things, meeting new people, getting involved with my community and finding hitherto unknown strengths I had lost in the maze of previous relationships. I sorted myself out, found out who I was and felt free.

  I have since had some relationships with some very good women who I still talk to today. We have no enmity towards each other though things may have had some tumultuous times during our courtship. After each one I go through a period of celibacy. Some last longer than others. I call this celibacy rather than lonely searching because that is not what it is to me. It's a time to regroup, figure out what went wrong in my previous relationship--how could I have made it better?

  Right now I am at times a year in between physical encounters. I am happy when they happen and I feel content when they are not. My purpose here is to make my life the best it can be--to overcome obstacles when they present themselves--to take care of myself one day at a time and become the best person I can be--my healthiest, at peace with life, make amends and heal my current relationships with friends and family. I want to be a whole person and if I find someone I can go through my days with free of the drama of attachment issues and problems from the past then I will receive that as a gift and go forth. Until such time I am happy to be where I am--making strides towards completeness within my life and within myself.

Celibacy---not a dirty word.

Short Story: The Endless

She woke to find herself on a floor of glass. Looking down was dizzying. She could see what looked like miles beneath her—all darkness with small dots of lights here and there. After patting around herself and being sure there actually WAS a floor all around she slowly rose from the floor. It was so disconcerting—this walking over a limitless-looking chasm. All around the (room?) were mirrors. They were set in such a way as to make it seem there were hundreds of her leading back to infinity. She could see no door.

“First to make sure I am okay”, she thought. She checked her body, patting it all around and making sure nothing was sore, bruised or hurting. She looked at her clothing. It was a long, white light gown. Like a nightgown but with a bit more substance. Across her waist was a band as blue as a robin's egg.

After she was satisfied she was physically fine she began to think back on how she might have gotten here. She couldn't remember anything before right now. She didn't know her name, where she was from, how old she was, nothing of her personal history or makeup.

She moved to one of the mirrors. Female. Tall. Fair skinned. Green eyes. Long white hair down to her waist. Small lines around her bright eyes. Long, slender fingers just showing some age. A plain, silver ring on her right index finger. The white gown fit just right. The sash around her waist was pretty.

But now she wanted to get out of this room. It was beginning to bother her mind. The deep, endless pit beneath her, the endless mirror images of her all around her. She had also become aware of some non-specific musical tone surrounding her. It had been so quiet that she had not been aware of it at first.

She began to walk the edges of the room, negotiating around the mirrors and pushing on this mirror or that one, hoping one of them was a door. As she made her way around she found a small glass cube with a small blue puff in the middle of it like a dandelion seeding. Picking it up it started to glow. No heat. Just glowing, the puff in the middle disappearing in the brightness. Across the cube it began to say ASK ME ANYTHING over and over....ASK ME ANYTHING....ASK ME ANYTHING....ASK ME ANYTHING...

Ok so she asked it “How do I get out of here?”

MUST BELIEVE.....MUST BELIEVE....MUST BELIEVE...MUST BELIEVE....

“What do I need to believe?”

IN OTHER WORLDS..........

“Other worlds in the mirrors???” she asked feeling both perplexed and intrigued.

THEY ARE GUIDES......

Do I push on them or?? what?

BELIEVE...BELIEVE....BELIEVE.....

Well, she thought, that wasn't much of an answer but it seemed the cube was just a guide not there to give her specific instructions.

Believe??? she thought 'Believe in what?? Other worlds? Am I supposed to push on the mirrors and believe in other worlds and then I can get out of here? That seems so strange but then this whole thing is strange.

Tucking the cube in the folds of her robe she made her way over to the mirrors. She looked at herself in one of them, seeing miles of tall, white haired women. She tried to will herself to Believe. Thought of worlds spinning all around her, thought of those worlds turning into other worlds....like these mirrors.

That's it!!! The mirrors are the gateways to the other worlds!! I know it! She yelled into the empty room.

Bringing the cube back out again she asked “Do I say something to the mirror?”

TELL IT WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE

Anything?? she asked

YES

What's my name? Do you know?

IONA UNESTE ORWYNE....IONA UNESTE ORWYNE

That's my name?

YOU HAVE MANY MANY NAMES

She decided to choose Iona. That would do. She went back to the mirrors. Looking into the depths she said aloud “I want to see a field of purple flowers with a sunset pink sky and a moon hanging low in it. I want there to be horses running across the field. I want to see mountains in the distance and hear distant peals of bells. I want birds flying overhead of every color in the universe. I want to see other people like me that I can talk to and a path that leads to a beautiful forest where I have a beautiful house among the trees.”

The mirrors silently stared back image after image of Iona. Had she done it wrong? Asked too much? Been too specific?

Cube—What did I do wrong?

MUST BELIEVE...MUST BELIEVE...MUST BELIEVE...the cube burned brightly now, brighter than before.

She looked back at the mirror and with all her will thought of that beautiful land she had asked for. She closed her eyes and envisioned riding a horse down that path to her forest home, finding others to talk to, beautiful pink sky, the purple flowers smelling so sweetly it was like breathing honey.

She began to hear something first. A little whistling sound. Then she felt her hair begin to flutter. Her feet no longer felt glass underneath but tall grass. The sweet smell filled her nose and she looked up. She was here. In her dream. All around her were a giant ring of mountains. Overhead the sky was a sunset color with a huge crescent moon hanging low in the sky. The breeze blew her white robe around her and her hair up in dancing strands. And there! There was a path. And then she saw them. The horses. Dozens of them all colors even blue, pink, purple, green. They ran across the field manes and tails flying back, winnying to each other.

She walked down the path. She imagined herself wearing some soft sandals and there they were on her feet. She thought about a cold drink and there was a goblet of some kind of sweet juice for her to drink.

This must be a dream. I am in bed. I am lying in bed and dreaming all of this. The mirrors, the cube, this land. But it still didn't explain why she couldn't remember anything about herself. Well maybe that's the dream too! That was a thought there.

She walked along smelling the sweet flowers, hearing the birds sing and circle above her. It never got darker, the sky never changed color, the scene stayed constant. The horses ran. She tried to believe something else into existence but couldn't think of anything else. She was tired from figuring out all these puzzles. She saw the woods ahead of her. They lead her to a lovely little thatch roof house. She went into it and saw a pallet on the floor. She fell into it and was almost instantly asleep. 

__________________________________________________________________

She was lying on a glass floor. Beneath her was a vast, deep chasm filled with little points of light. She felt around. She was not hurt. She couldn't remember her name or anything before right now. She made sure all was glass then got up and looked around her. Mirrors all around her, reflecting back endless images of a young girl with short, dark hair wearing a red gown.

She circled around and found a glass ball. She picked it up and it began to glow.

ASK ME ANYTHING...ASK ME ANYTHING...ASK ME ANYTHING.......

THE END

Social anxiety and working through it

When you have panic disorder, generalized anxiety and especially social anxiety it can feel overwhelming just to think of all the people you may encounter outside of your  house. It can make you feel stuck. The thing about anxiety is once you are having an anxious day everything starts to build up---noises start to bother you, people around you bother you. Walking through a crowded grocery store? The anxiety starts to turn into a general bitterness about all the people all around you and WHY can't they all just go somewhere else where you are not???

Making small talk with people you kind of know can be difficult. Especially when you have memory difficulties. You want to have a successful conversation but it feels like you are just flipping through a rolodex coming up with all the accepted questions and answers.

No matter how I feel, no matter what kind of day I am having when asked how i am i will answer FINE. The reason I do this is because i don't have the conversational fortitude to go into anything with anyone.

That doesn't mean I am not interested. I truly AM interested in what people are doing, what my friends are doing, how they are doing and what's going on with the kids, baby, new job. It's just difficult sometimes to come up with right words when your brain is going all different directions.

This tends to keep you inside where you can have control over the people who come in; the atmosphere around you; the noise and lack of noise. I think social anxiety is about fear of a lack of control of your environment. Because when you are out among everyone you cannot control what others are doing you can only control how you react.


I have become a lot better. But still sometimes........

Internet forever!!!!


(pictures from the book Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh which is the awesomnest book and everyone should read it more than once )