Poem: We are That Which we Fear

We are that which we fear 

Dark and Light we twist and turn,

           wisps of paper in the wind.

We move through open spaces

            trusting we can find our place, our home, again.

Hearts beating wildly we step once, twice,

           fearful but hopeful a we always are,

giving a great and mighty sigh of letting go.

          We jump, we dive, we trust that there will 

         be something there.

Life is a mystery of wood, of muscle, of bone, of spirit, of soul....

        solved only by realizing we are our own--we are beings of light and dark.

We are that which we fear and that which we hope,

        only alone when we choose to be.

We weave our small moments through the crowds.

        We risk every instant to that higher calling.

There is never going to be certainty that when we fall

        we do not fall alone.

But, not falling, we do not rise. 

What is normal???

What is normal? What is abnormal? Does it go by societal standards or is there a principle definition?

Researched on the web  and the dictionary here are some definitions of "normal".

1. According with, constituting, or not deviating from a norm, rule, or principle 

             2. Usual , typical or expected

3.Conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern 

4. Normal is also used to describe individual behaviour that conforms to the most common behaviour in society 

5. When people do not conform to the normal standard, they are often labelled as sick, disabled, abnormal, or unusual, 

6. Of a person) free from physical or mental disorders.

Conformity:

https://youtu.be/SnAyr0kWRGE      This is the youtube video about conformity from Dead Poet's Society

Definitions of Abnormal:

  exceptional,, atypical,, exceeding, extraordinary,  odd, phenomenal, , rare , unique, unusual, 

Let's break those down shall we? 

1. Exceptional: The state of being unusual 

2. Atypical:  Not representative of a type, group, or class.

3. Exceeding: Go beyond what is set down by a limit

4. Extraordinary: Very unusual or remarkable

5. Odd: Unusual or unexpected; strange; a person who differs from the other members of a group

6. Phenomenal: Excellent

7. Rare: Not occurring or found very often

8. Unique: distinctive, incomparable

9. Unusual: Remarkable or interesting because different

The list of those who have had mental illness which by the above definition is "Abnormal". What achievements, what additions to our lives have these people had? Could we have progressed as a world-culture without these people? No. We would be held back as people in so many ways. These people exemplify the definition of abnormal. They didn't conform to the societal norms. They were considered "Freaks", "Odd". Sometimes they had serious repercussions because of deviating from the norm. Yet they did it anyway.

 

Abraham Lincoln
The revered sixteenth President of the United States suffered from severe and incapacitating depressions that occasionally led to thoughts of suicide, as documented in numerous biographies by Carl Sandburg.
Virginia Woolf
The British novelist who wrote To the Lighthouse and Orlando experienced the mood swings of bipolar disorder characterized by feverish periods of writing and weeks immersed in gloom. Her story is discussed in The Dynamics of Creation by Anthony Storr.
Lionel Aldridge
A defensive end for Vince Lombardi's legendary Green Bay Packers of the 1960's, Aldridge played in two Super Bowls. In the 1970's, he suffered from schizophrenia and was homeless for two and a half years. Until his death in 1998, he gave inspirational talks on his battle against paranoid schizophrenia. His story is the story of numerous newspaper articles.
Eugene O'Neill
The famous playwright, author of Long Day's Journey Into Night and Ah, Wilderness!, suffered from clinical depression, as documented in Eugene O'Neill by Olivia E. Coolidge.
Ludwig van Beethoven
The brilliant composer experienced bipolar disorder, as documented in The Key to Genius: Manic Depression and the Creative Life by D. Jablow Hershman and Julian Lieb.
Gaetano Donizetti
The famous opera singer suffered from bipolar disorder, as documented in Donizetti and the World Opera in Italy, Paris and Vienna in the First Half of the Nineteenth Century by Herbert Weinstock.
Robert Schumann
The "inspired poet of human suffering" experienced bipolar disorder, as discussed in The Dynamics of Creation by Anthony Storr.
Leo Tolstoy
Author of War and Peace, Tolstoy revealed the extent of his own mental illness in the memoir Confession. His experiences is also discussed in The Dynamics of Creation by Anthony Storr and The Inner World of Mental Illness: A Series of First Person Accounts of What It Was Like by Bert Kaplan.
Vaslov Nijinsky
The dancer's battle with schizophrenia is documented in his autobiography, The Diary of Vaslov Nijinksy.
John Keats
The renowned poet's mental illness is documented in The Dynamics of Creation by Anthony Storr and The Broken Brain: The biological Revolution in Psychiatry by Nancy Andreasen, M.D.
Tennessee Williams
The playwright gave a personal account of his struggle with clinical depression in his own Memoirs. His experience is also documented in Five O'Clock Angel: Letters of Tennessee Williams to Maria St. Just, 1948-1982; The Kindness of Strangers: The Life of Tennessee Williams by Donald Spoto, and Tennessee: Cry of the Heart by Dotson.
Vincent Van Gogh
The celebrated artist's bipolar disorder is discussed in The Key to Genius: Manic Depression and the Creative Life by D. Jablow Hershman and Julian Lieb and Dear Theo, The Autobiography of Van Gogh.
Isaac Newton
The scientist's mental illness is discussed in The Dynamics of Creation by Anthony Storr and The Key to Genius: Manic Depression and the Creative Life by D. Jablow Hershman and Julian Lieb.
Ernest Hemingway
The Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist's suicidal depression is examined in the True Gen: An Intimate Portrait of Ernest Hemingway by Those Who Knew Him by Denis Brian.
Sylvia Plath
The poet and novelist ended her lifelong struggle with clinical depresion by taking own life, as reported in A Closer Look at Ariel: A Memory of Sylvia Plath by nancy Hunter-Steiner.
Michelangelo
The mental illness of one of the world's greatest artistic geniuses is discussed in The Dynamics of Creation by Anthony Storr.
Winston Churchill
"Had he been a stable and equable man, he could never have inspired the nation. In 1940, when all the odds were against Britain, a leader of sober judgment might well have concluded that we were finished," wrote Anthony Storr about Churchill's bipolar disorder in Churchill's Black Dog, Kafka's Mice, and Other Phenomena of the Human Mind.
Vivien Leigh
The Gone with the Wind star suffered from mental illness, as documented in Vivien Leigh: A Biography by Ann Edwards.
Jimmy Piersall
The baseball player for the Boston Red Sox who suffered from bipolar disorder detailed his experience in The Truth Hurts.
Patty Duke
The Academy Award-winning actress told of her bipolar disorder in her autobiography and made-for-TV move Call Me Anna and A Brilliant Madness: Living with Manic-Depressive Illness, co-authored by Gloria Hochman.
Charles Dickens
One of the greatest authors in the English language suffered from clinical depression, as documented in The Key to Genius: Manic Depression and the Creative Life by D. Jablow Hershman and Julian Lieb, and Charles Dickens: His Tragedy and Triumph by Edgar Johnson.


And if we study some societies we see that what was considered "normal" in that society would be considered abnormal or even abhorrent today. Since normal is a changeable definition and entirely dependent on the movements of that particular society at one particular time we cannot judge those who do what they do because their hearts tell them to. 

The tale of the sucking monster--as told by the cats

       I don't mean to scare any sweet kitties out there who have never heard, nor seen, the sucking  monster however it is real. It's huge and roars and has teeth. It sucks up things and will suck you up too if you don't run away.
      I first met the sucking monster when my human brought it out one day. I thought Hmmm....wonder that THAT does?? Then she must have said something to it because suddenly it started roaring so loudly my eardrums hurt. I knew it was coming for me and my companion, Angelbaby. We fled to the closet because sucking monsters can't fit in there. We listened, horrified, as it sucked up everything it came across. The roaring was deafening. The monster seemed to have no remorse for it's killing spree. It just kept going through the house screaming and yelling. We hoped it didn't like the closet. It didn't seem to.
    It sucked up all our precious fur we had shed so carefully around the house--marking it lovingly as our own. All our fur was GONE! We hoped it would stop at the fur on the furniture and floor and not get hungrier for what we still had ON us but we couldn't be sure. So we continued to hide---sure any moment the monster would find us, would suck us into it and we would disappear.
   We learned. We knew the sucking monster would come out when the human would lure it with sweet smelling powder all over the floor. We ran and hid then because we are smart kitties and we know what comes next.

When the sucking monster is at last laid quiet--presumably to feed on what it has sucked up  on that day----we wait still for awhile and then come out watchfully, making sure it is really back in it's cage in the hall closet. Then we go about re-shedding everything it had sucked dry. Our fur is magical. The more we shed around the house the more the house is ours. And our human feels more comfortable. We think the sucking monster has told her that fur leavings are bad but she knows better. She knows it shows we love her and want her to take us with her everywhere----on her clothes, her coat and hat and socks. These are our little tokens of love for her.

So kitties when your human starts to spread around sweet smelling powder just know what will come next and HIDE as though your life depended on it. Because it truly does.

Miyako and Angelbaby

Hidden Depression: better or worse?

  
Sometimes people think the more they talk about something that it will get better, go away, stay away. But sometimes overthinking  a problem can make it worse. You feel depressed, you think about being depressed and it becomes a slowly whirling circle you can't get out of no matter how hard you try.   I have been going through a depression here the past few days. It is building up a bit.  I don't know if it's because I am sick of winter and just want it to be warm so I can be out on my bike and feel free. Perhaps it is some friendship stuff that is bothering me because I have expectations that are not being met. 
    The only thing I know is that it hurts. I smile, I laugh, I talk to people, I do my job but inside I am needing a hug to help me along. I am needing  a smile or I love you to mend my heart a little right now. A side effect of depression is that i feel when I ask for these things I am being a bother to those who love me most. They do not want to be hampered down with someone who is feeling bad so why should I bother them? 
   I am supposed to be the go-getter, the one who roots for others, who celebrates their achievements big and small. I am supposed to be the voice of "You can do it!!!" which only makes this harder to admit. Even though most everyone these days knows depression is a chemical problem and not a lack of character or "not trying hard enough" it is still an embarrassment to those of us who deal with it. I feel more needy, clingy, worried about my relationships, scared I am being abandoned or about to be abandoned. I worry excessively about things I have absolutely no control over. I think too much. I breathe too little. I listen to music that I hope will help but it only makes it worse.
    I run. I run. I run. Running is almost the only thing these days that can take some of this away. When my feet are busy running, my mind fills with that euphoria I so need and for a moment my mind and heart are flying instead of being pinned to the ground like a bug in science class. I write. I try to call people but again that makes me feel I am bothering them so I just keep to myself more, try to cram it down for another day, put on a happy face, put on my ra-ra face that helps my clients, students and friends.


Depression is a hole. Running is one of the ways out of the hole. Writing, painting, reading books can do it as well. But still when night falls and i am just me and have no one to talk to sometimes it comes back like a brisk wind you thought had died down and blows all those happy thoughts out of my head.

 

In this state I am literally killing myself with overthinking everything.  I need to breathe, to trust, to know that there is love out there and no one is leaving me and my thoughts are just my thoughts. Watch them come and watch them go. They don't have to have power over me.

New life: Born by the wild north winds

     
       

  A blog is a wonderful thing. It can help you reach out to many people and bring them into your world. It helps to spread the word about your message---whatever that message may be. It is a window into other people's lives---what they think, what they do, what they believe and what they are afraid of most. 
        I am embarking on several journeys right now not only in my sport but also in my personal life. These are journeys that are wonderful and wild and bring me immense happiness. I have never been so unguarded in my optimism, so sure of potential failure and so excited to find out if the next great experience will bring me up to the light or knock me down. Either way it's a learning experience: I will know now what works and what doesn't and it's okay. I know I can bring myself up to those heights and when I am knocked down have the capacity and strength to climb back up.

        It is not comfort I seek anymore. It is new things, new people, new travels. I cannot stay on the ground because there are no wild winds there. I want my life to rumble with the great tectonics of change---to be on unsure footing every day so that someday I  can say I was part of that great earthquake. I will separate myself from those who run from the quaking to those that laugh while they ride it out.        I am in the midst of a wildness of growth--that part of a plant's life where it is teetering on the edge of seedling to real maturity. I am just getting out of the awkward stage of my journey. I am past the point of no return. I do not remember the former me.  She is a phantom and I cannot even see where she is anymore.
          The friends and contacts I have made on this journey are the lights that guide me when I am in the dark. They remind me that those who venture the farthest are those that find the best views; that being still and quiet has it's place but daring to fling my arms wide and proclaim I AM is one of the best feelings in the world.

How could I move forward with my feet planted? How could I find that beautiful edge of "can't believe I''m doing this" had I not run by the jaws of wild things? Though the run was hard it was gorgeous: the views from the top, from the edges, were better than I ever dreamed. 
     Einstein said " I find now there are two ways to live: You can live as though nothing is a miracle; you can live as though everything is a miracle"


Darkened Me

My next lover comes to me
 in dreams of black and white
Watching me for moves unlike myself
As though the years have darkened me 
and sent me running
for less expansive pastures and drier fields
I am still wild and free
A wild wolf howling in the moonless night
And i will see eternity in your green eyes
and nighttime smiles.

H.L. 

Remember this:  Either you make life an adventure or you wait patiently for the grave.