Sometimes people think the more they talk about something that it will get better, go away, stay away. But sometimes overthinking a problem can make it worse. You feel depressed, you think about being depressed and it becomes a slowly whirling circle you can't get out of no matter how hard you try. I have been going through a depression here the past few days. It is building up a bit. I don't know if it's because I am sick of winter and just want it to be warm so I can be out on my bike and feel free. Perhaps it is some friendship stuff that is bothering me because I have expectations that are not being met.
The only thing I know is that it hurts. I smile, I laugh, I talk to people, I do my job but inside I am needing a hug to help me along. I am needing a smile or I love you to mend my heart a little right now. A side effect of depression is that i feel when I ask for these things I am being a bother to those who love me most. They do not want to be hampered down with someone who is feeling bad so why should I bother them?
I am supposed to be the go-getter, the one who roots for others, who celebrates their achievements big and small. I am supposed to be the voice of "You can do it!!!" which only makes this harder to admit. Even though most everyone these days knows depression is a chemical problem and not a lack of character or "not trying hard enough" it is still an embarrassment to those of us who deal with it. I feel more needy, clingy, worried about my relationships, scared I am being abandoned or about to be abandoned. I worry excessively about things I have absolutely no control over. I think too much. I breathe too little. I listen to music that I hope will help but it only makes it worse.
I run. I run. I run. Running is almost the only thing these days that can take some of this away. When my feet are busy running, my mind fills with that euphoria I so need and for a moment my mind and heart are flying instead of being pinned to the ground like a bug in science class. I write. I try to call people but again that makes me feel I am bothering them so I just keep to myself more, try to cram it down for another day, put on a happy face, put on my ra-ra face that helps my clients, students and friends.
Depression is a hole. Running is one of the ways out of the hole. Writing, painting, reading books can do it as well. But still when night falls and i am just me and have no one to talk to sometimes it comes back like a brisk wind you thought had died down and blows all those happy thoughts out of my head.
In this state I am literally killing myself with overthinking everything. I need to breathe, to trust, to know that there is love out there and no one is leaving me and my thoughts are just my thoughts. Watch them come and watch them go. They don't have to have power over me.
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