Running....away....

A habit of running
Away, away, away
Now more than ever
I want to run away
To disappear
Though there is much love
I have a small, lightweight tent
A sturdy backpack
A lightweight sleeping bag
A few months ago I wanted to run
But ended up in the hospital instead
Perhaps for the best
What would running accomplish
but take me away from friends,
family, community?
But still....the urge to disappear
can some days consume me.
I feel like a small animal
sometimes trapped in a cage.
No way out.
No way forward.
Wanting to get from the dark to
 the light I hope to run to.
I have so many things here in
my town to hold me here.
It is a liberal town.
There are many people here
who love me.
Though when the depression hits
I have a hard time believing it
because my mind is not working
towards my greater good.
I have always been a runner.
My father, the alcoholic bipolar,
was also a runner.
When things got hard he went
to a new place.
Hoping things within him would feel better.
But things were never better.
Not for him, not for my mom,
and definitely not for me.
Running away is not the answer.
Staying here and dealing with problems
IS the answer.
Remembering every day that I have
a community here that cares about me.
That's the most important part.

Heather Lake

What to do when you don't want to leave your house

Today is one of those days when I am a little scared to leave my house. Honest truth here. On this blog I tell the truth about my battles with my illness.

There are many reasons that sometimes I have trouble leaving my house. I feel the world is unsafe. I am scared to talk to people. The noise of the world is too loud. I feel safer here where all is controlled. Sounds and commotion bother me more. Everything seems too bright--too out of control outside my door.

But there ARE steps I take when I feel this way.

1. Breathe. Tell myself the world is an okay, safe place to be
2. Let myself know that nothing bad will happen to me out there
3. Understand that this is just anxiety--not reality
4. Dress nicely
5. Take my MP3 player with me to listen to and tune out the loud world
6. Remind myself I don't have to talk to anyone I don't want to talk to
7. Remind myself I am stronger than my fear
8. Pick one thing to concentrate on for the day--something nice like the sunshine, good people, my friends and family, feeling I am loved.
9. Concentrate on one step at a time--shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, get all packed up for the day, pack my lunch, feed the cats
10. Decide to myself that this is the day something good will happen to me.


It is one foot in front of the other. It's reminding myself that giving up a potentially good day in lieu of safety is not the way to advance my life. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Depression, anxiety and all that comes with them

 


I recently started working again after months of depression and anxiety which kept me practically nailed to my home. I had a hard time going out of the house. I didn't have the energy to talk to people--to do anything other than stay home, sleep, read a little if I could (depression can sap my concentration making it harder for me to read.

I took consolation in the friends I felt I could talk to but my mind told me most of my friends either were overwhelmed and didn't want me around, that I was too much for them, that my ability was more than I said it was. I wanted to work--to be a contributing member of society--but my mind kept me prisoner for months.

This is not the first time. It won't be the last.

I found a job. A job I liked-that I was proud of. But the anxiety made it harder to learn--to concentrate and remember things--to be comfortable around my co-workers, to handle the hours without being exhausted and stressed all the time. My boss was wonderful. My co-workers tried to help me with remembering things but they got frustrated too. I felt frustrated by my inability to do the job as well as I wanted to.

That only made things worse. On the days I wasn't working I was going to my doctor's appointments and getting the bare minimum done that I could manage but spent a lot of time at home-tired, in bed, trying to prepare for the next day of work. Some days I cried at work. Out of frustration at my inabilities, at my tendency to overreact to small, probably not real, slights. I was shy of customers, sometimes forgetting my words. IT was hard to learn the drinks, hard to learn the register, hard to feel comfortable.

Now I will find something else to do. It will be, hopefully, easier on me with my disability and help me to continue working. My doctor at the beginning of this job said it was ambitious to do 25 hours a week but I pushed on-hoping it would get easier. It didn't. Though I was treated very fairly I felt I didn't fit in.


I wish for a future at my job where I can find something that suits me. I feel better when I can work a little. I feel better having a reason to leave the house, a way to make some extra money, a way to learn to connect with people despite my setbacks in my health. The thyroid problem didn't help. I was tired a lot, i had brain fog which caused me to make many mistakes.

There is a reason I get social security. I am not taking from the government without reason. Supporting myself fully and staying well are things I cannot do. I am not "giving up". I am not "lazy". I am not without merit. Many times I overestimate my abilities and sometimes it pays off--in doing some very hard things like running my distance races, working at IU, learning new things.

But, unfortunately, they are unwelcome guests in my mind and they limit me. I wish I could tell people every little way they affect me but it would be a long story. So I just try every day. I work on these things every day. I rest when I need to. I heed my doctor's orders. I ask for help when I need it even though my pride can get in the way. I want to do everything myself.

I just needed to write this. Not to garner sympathy but understanding and to combat any stigma or ways I am misrepresented to others.

All I ask is----please be patient with me. I am doing the very best I can.

Identity crisis: A Disturbance In The Force

  
                                         Identity Crisis: A disturbance in the force


  An identity crisis is no small thing. It feels like a titanic shifting--a sailboat on the Atlantic. It's trying to figure out who you are if you are not what you were.
  When circumstances change and you are no longer able to do what you did that made you YOU there is a quicksand effect where the more you fight the changes the faster you sink. It's a letting go of control that is both difficult but can also be like falling asleep. Surrender to subconscious thought. Dreaming different dreams.
   So you ask, over and over, WHO AM I?  What is my place? Where is my tribe? How can I Become? Where do I want to go from here?
  It could be simple if you let it but the trick is letting go and that can be a steep mountain you have to climb before you can fly again.
  It must be admitting that you are different but still your core self remains. Love yourself where you are. Accept yourself where you are.
   Can you find new people and still retain the original tribe that you so identified with? Can you keep everyone?

   The utmost question:  Will i still be accepted and loved when I've shed the things that I am no longer and what do I do now? Will people understand who I am now?

Big question. No simple answers. Just something to ponder and sift through like sand. It will all get worked out. for now it's just a disturbance in the Force.