Running....away....

A habit of running
Away, away, away
Now more than ever
I want to run away
To disappear
Though there is much love
I have a small, lightweight tent
A sturdy backpack
A lightweight sleeping bag
A few months ago I wanted to run
But ended up in the hospital instead
Perhaps for the best
What would running accomplish
but take me away from friends,
family, community?
But still....the urge to disappear
can some days consume me.
I feel like a small animal
sometimes trapped in a cage.
No way out.
No way forward.
Wanting to get from the dark to
 the light I hope to run to.
I have so many things here in
my town to hold me here.
It is a liberal town.
There are many people here
who love me.
Though when the depression hits
I have a hard time believing it
because my mind is not working
towards my greater good.
I have always been a runner.
My father, the alcoholic bipolar,
was also a runner.
When things got hard he went
to a new place.
Hoping things within him would feel better.
But things were never better.
Not for him, not for my mom,
and definitely not for me.
Running away is not the answer.
Staying here and dealing with problems
IS the answer.
Remembering every day that I have
a community here that cares about me.
That's the most important part.

Heather Lake