New life: Born by the wild north winds

     
       

  A blog is a wonderful thing. It can help you reach out to many people and bring them into your world. It helps to spread the word about your message---whatever that message may be. It is a window into other people's lives---what they think, what they do, what they believe and what they are afraid of most. 
        I am embarking on several journeys right now not only in my sport but also in my personal life. These are journeys that are wonderful and wild and bring me immense happiness. I have never been so unguarded in my optimism, so sure of potential failure and so excited to find out if the next great experience will bring me up to the light or knock me down. Either way it's a learning experience: I will know now what works and what doesn't and it's okay. I know I can bring myself up to those heights and when I am knocked down have the capacity and strength to climb back up.

        It is not comfort I seek anymore. It is new things, new people, new travels. I cannot stay on the ground because there are no wild winds there. I want my life to rumble with the great tectonics of change---to be on unsure footing every day so that someday I  can say I was part of that great earthquake. I will separate myself from those who run from the quaking to those that laugh while they ride it out.        I am in the midst of a wildness of growth--that part of a plant's life where it is teetering on the edge of seedling to real maturity. I am just getting out of the awkward stage of my journey. I am past the point of no return. I do not remember the former me.  She is a phantom and I cannot even see where she is anymore.
          The friends and contacts I have made on this journey are the lights that guide me when I am in the dark. They remind me that those who venture the farthest are those that find the best views; that being still and quiet has it's place but daring to fling my arms wide and proclaim I AM is one of the best feelings in the world.

How could I move forward with my feet planted? How could I find that beautiful edge of "can't believe I''m doing this" had I not run by the jaws of wild things? Though the run was hard it was gorgeous: the views from the top, from the edges, were better than I ever dreamed. 
     Einstein said " I find now there are two ways to live: You can live as though nothing is a miracle; you can live as though everything is a miracle"


Darkened Me

My next lover comes to me
 in dreams of black and white
Watching me for moves unlike myself
As though the years have darkened me 
and sent me running
for less expansive pastures and drier fields
I am still wild and free
A wild wolf howling in the moonless night
And i will see eternity in your green eyes
and nighttime smiles.

H.L. 

Remember this:  Either you make life an adventure or you wait patiently for the grave.

My own inconvenient truth

      I have used this blog as an outlet to talk about my experiences with bi-polar disorder and how it affects my life. I feel the response has been positive, caring and thoughtful and so feel I am able to be myself on here.......to let my truth out and know it will be met with the light of love and understanding.
    That being said I have been having a lot more problems with my depression in the last few months. I have kept this mostly hidden from all but a few close friends and my doctor. I feel sometimes like I don't want to drain the friendships I have by being negative and want to embrace the light I can find even when I feel my darkest. My greatest light is my relationships with others. When I am in a more depressed state those valued relationships and the way I see them can be compromised. It affects my memory, my concentration and my ability to feel all of my feelings. The truth about depression is not that it is sad but it can be a LACK of feeling....that though something Should be feeling a certain way I cannot process it.  I feel the sting more deeply of any kind of difficulty in my friendships or family and have to remind myself that it can be just that my glasses are darker and not that things with my relationships, not to mention my life, are hard. I love my life, my job, my friends, my family and my community and only feel this negativity when my illness begins to tell me differently.
   I have negotiated the waters of this depression through the caring of those that know me best, my physician who has been with me for years and has seen me through worse times and my knowledge gleaned from years of ups and downs that these things don't last. They come and go through my life like leaves in a stream. I only have to get through it and I know there will be light again. I have managed to keep doing pretty well at my career and feel I have kept my friends pretty happy with me. I might have been a bit more solitary but sometimes that is what we all need when we are nursing ourselves back to wellness.
   Now that my depression is beginning to lift I must be careful not to let it go the opposite direction. What goes down must come up. And sometimes that is WAY up. When I deal with a depression it is always a chance that I may go too far in the other direction once I am coming out of it. Though that may sound awesome it is not really. Hypo-manic is pretty good as far as it goes. I have more energy, sign up for more stuff and feel I can go further and faster. I feel more confident, more outgoing and find social events more engaging.
   The problem is when the hypo-manic starts to rev up to full mania. I have had only three fully manic episodes in my life and I can tell you without a doubt that they are scary places to be. It is like rising up in a hot air balloon to realize you have no way to bring it down to the ground again. My thoughts start to fly too fast, my energy gets to be too frantic, I can't sleep and I begin to believe I am invincible which can lead to it's own downfalls.
    I am not going to worry about the future though. The future will be the way it will be and if I have any of those symptoms I have lived with them before and can usually read the signs before I am too far up in the sky to find my way back down. I also have a loving community to give me strong ties to a solid reality where the light is not so bright it blinds me.
    Saturday I go to run the Tecumseh Trail Marathon. My last marathon...the Eagle Creek Marathon in August was right at the start of my depressed period and two days after a massive panic attack. It was a very, very hard race. Not only did I arrive late and in a state of total panic and disarray but then had some troubles with my hydration pack and things which would ordinarily not bring me to my knees however with those dark lenses on I was not in that place of steadiness and spent the race having mini-breakdowns which were seen to by some very loving friends old and new and I can't thank them enough. I go into this marathon feeling more upbeat, excited, ready and solid and I believe this race will be what an honestly beautiful thing a trail race can be. I feel like my feet are on the ground and my heart is in the right place and hopefully that will be enough.


             Never give up on yourself. You are the only one who can save yourself. No one can do it for you.

Depression: More than feeling sad

  One of my favorite actors of all time is gone now. He was one of the funniest people on earth yet he could not escape the disease of depression. It is a medical illness and can have very serious consequences for those that deal with it.
 

  Here are some important facts to know about depression:

    Depression is not as simple as feeling sad. It is a mixture of so many things both mental and physical. It is a ball of negativity that includes things such as ennui, self-doubt, self-hatred, worry, anxiety, loss of joy, fatigue, loneliness, guilt, fear, anger and so much more.
   It can change the way you view the world, your friends and everyone around you. When you are fighting depression you begin to feel that things you thought were real and true are not. Paranoia about your friends and family can make you withdraw for fear they really don't like you or want to spend time with you. You feel lonely and feel no one loves you anymore. Your mind turns every situation into a negative one. Every word people say feels like it has a nuance of judgement, anger or frustration with you.
     It is being exhausted even after a full night's sleep or having nightmares all night so you can't sleep. It is more aches and pains in your body. Everything feels heavier and slower. It is not being able to engage in exercise as much because you just lack the energy, will and excitement for it. It is not not being able to eat or eating too much. It can cause an increase in addiction behaviors whether that's drinking, drugs, sex, shopping, gambling,smoking.......you want to find a way to stop the feelings and thoughts and sometimes turning to old crutches can make you feel you can deal with things better. Or you fool yourself into thinking they can and then the addiction now adds another layer of problems onto an already big pile.
    It is an increase in wanting to be more self-destructive to yourself because the hatred you have for yourself makes you not care anymore.

     A moment to spend on medications:

  Many people view medications for depression as "happy pills" and feel people can do without them or they are a big scam from Big Pharma. No. Just like any physical illness those with depression can be helped to manage their illness with medications. Anti-depressants don't "make you happy". Anti-depressants help the chemicals in your brain to work correctly again. Anti-psychotics don't mean you are psychotic. They can be used to calm the anguished thoughts that keep you up at night, make you mistrust your friend's intentions and excessive worry about things that are not happening. Those who say there is no need for medicine have never had true depression. If they had they would know that in those deep, dark moments any lifeline you are thrown you will grab because you are drowning and cannot save yourself.

Mental illness and the problems with treatment adherence

  I have posted here about my battles with bipolar disorder and it's role in my life. I have always had good adherence to the treatment of my disorder and good awareness of it's impact on my life and others should I not be diligent in my self-management. Perhaps this comes from being raised by two parents with mental illnesses so I was aware of it and it's existence from an early age. When I began to have some issues with this illness I was not unprepared for the symptoms and also was aware of the impact an uncontrolled illness had on one's family and social circle.
   The number one reason that individuals with mental illness are not adherent to treatment is because of Anosognosia or an unawareness of being sick. It is due to damage to the part of the brain in which we think about ourselves. People with Anosognosia will come up with many, many reasons for their behaviors and symptoms rather than knowing they have a serious mental illness.
   The problem with non-adherence is devastating. Non-adherence is the number one reason for relapse, re-hospitalization, job loss, homelessness and other problems like incarceration for crimes committed while under the influence of rampant symptoms.
    The number two reason is concurrent drug abuse which can be used as self-medicating and can hide symptoms behind a mask of drug-induced behaviors. Many of those with mental illness use drug and alcohol as a way to either dampen or heighten their symptoms. A person who is depressed might take a stimulating drug as a way to deal with that. Someone who is having hyper active symptoms such as mania may use sedatives as a way to control that internal feeling.
    Another reason, and this is seen in bi-polar individuals primarily, is that you want the "high" that being hypomanic or manic provides. Being able to go without sleep, be more socially dynamic, more productive and more creative can certainly have it's lure. However untreated mania can cause havoc for people. The processes of the mind that have to do with impulse control and decision-making are dampened and can lead someone to do some dangerous things such as commit crimes, be promiscuous, overspend money, drive recklessly or engage in other damaging acts. 

    For me I believe it is not my fault I was born with a chemical problem which creates mood problems and symptoms however if I am aware of my illness and am just defiant in adhering to my treatment then it becomes my problem. I should not subject my friends, family and co-workers to the actions of an uncontrolled mood disorder when there are proven treatments for it. Constant mood crisis and acting out tires and overwhelms our family and friends. It is unfair of us once we are both aware we have an illness, and are given a way to manage it, to defy that treatment and be a roller coaster of out-of-control behaviors and constant crisis that we make others deal with for us.

           “It took me far too long to realize that lost years and relationships cannot be recovered. That damage done to oneself and others cannot always be put right again.”
― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

         

The Heart in it's Wildness

 
        The nature of attachment: What does that mean? For some it means attachment to material items. For some it means attachment to people or ideals or political beliefs or religious beliefs. Attachment means that something Connects you to something else--or someone else.
         The thing about attachment is that it brings with it an expectation of reciprocal attachment. The expectations are what lead to unhappiness as the one partner feels like they are not being met with the same quantity of love as they are giving out.
        But love is not finite. Love doesn't have boundaries or borders or a designated amount and then there is no more. Real love is detachment. It is being happy that others have love in their lives and willing to share in their happiness. Real love is letting others go and do whatever brings them joy and fulfillment and makes their lives worth living. Love is not like money in a wallet that you spend and then there is no more. It keeps coming and the more of it you spend the more of it you have to share.
       A heart is a bottomless well with depth and clarity and secret pockets of light. A heart is a wind which takes with it all that makes you real. A heart is a night sky alight with stars that burst and swirl and inflame each other and the space around them--a holy grail of graciousness.
    So BE BOLD with your heart. Detach from expectations and desires and wishes and needs. Let it flow around and with others and guide them to you and let them go back out again like a boat on a current.

The Flight of Her

Arms up like tall grass in the field

   Wanting to fly—a butterfly in the breeze—

Feet planted to the ground like roots—

   Beckoning to stand and hold still.

  

But still there are stars where she wants to go

     And the moon beats like her heart—all pale and glowing

Lifting from that solid ground she can be swept up

A bit of fluff—a  small leaf—borne to the windswept

     Upper reaches and there to hover—

The ground so far below and she doesn’t care.

She is where the sun and stars gather—

        There is nothing else she would rather be

Than this.  Herself free.

Heather Lake, 2014, Summer Solstice

The problems with Brain

        The Brain can be a wonderful thing. With it I can think about things ahead of time, do my tasks and find my lost keys however sometimes Brain can be a downer. I want to think all kinds of happy thoughts but Brain has other ideas. Brain wants to think about all the things I have done wrong in the last 3 decades or so and pile them on me like a crazy quilt of guilt and anxiety. Heart argues with Brain in a constant battle to the death. Heart reminds Brain that lots of things are good and there is nothing to fear...that there are friends all around and that Brain is simply having a bad day which leads to Heart having a bad day which leads to anxiety for all.
       So what to do about Brain? Divert attention. That is difficult as Brain is the center of all attention-focusing processes like Eyes, Ears and Body so Brain must be cleverly bypassed by focusing Eyes on calm surroundings, Ears to calming sounds or Body to a physical activity like rest or exercise. Only then can Brain take a break and realize things are fine it is only an illusion of chaos and not actually chaos. Sometimes it is best to let Brain take an extended vacation when it is stuck in "unpleasant" mode and just try to relax into something mindless or Brain-less if you will. Listen to the hum of a fan, watch a single point on the wall for five minutes, close eyes and listen to all the sounds and pay attention to that and that only. Then Brain will be able to rest.

And...tomorrow is another day.             

A calm in the storm

Be a calm eye in the midst of the storm

      A tiny web of light in the darkness,

small and echoing like a rock bounced 

     down the walls of a cave

bringing that light down to where
   it can do the most good
Be that candle flame, that errant sunbeam,
   take the noise of chaos and
drown it with love. smother it with joy. quiet it with the beat of your heart.

H.Rose 3-20

Thoughts on the death of fred phelps

     Fred Phelps, the hate monger in charge of the worst church in America is dying. I have so many feelings about this. On the one hand he and his "church" have instilled so many hateful feelings in me over the years from picketing funerals of soldiers to showing up wherever with their awful signs. A part of me, the not-so-civilized part, wants to be hateful back. I want to feel some terrible joy in his demise and perhaps hope that some of that hate will die with him.
   But that won't happen. Hate will live on always. It is an unpleasant truth but one man's death will not make much of a dent in the hate that is in the world. Perhaps for a time the Westboro Baptist Church will founder but I am sure there are many who are eager to take his place and lead them into ever more horrible acts. So what will my hate do? Nothing but make me feel small, petty and angry and who wants to live that way? Vanquishing this devil will be a good thing for the world but it won't be a final thing. There will always be more devils to come. As long as there are people there will be ones with black hearts and evil intent.
   I also don't want to rattle on about it on Facebook or Twitter or other forums. Why? Because he will get what he wanted the most: Attention. The world will whittle our attention down to this one black spot and we won't be seeing any of the other things we need to be concerned with. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of taking my attention away from more important things like equal marriage rights for LBGT people, equal access to legal services, health insurance and spousal support. Let's bring ourselves OUT of the hate pit and into the light of love, acceptance and nurturing the ones who have been hurt the most from this man. Let's celebrate our togetherness in wanting the best for everyone and wanting acceptance for all ways of life, love and the freedom to be who we are without fear or repercussions.
    In closing:  Let's be the light we want to see in the world. Forget fred. He is not worth our time.