My own inconvenient truth

      I have used this blog as an outlet to talk about my experiences with bi-polar disorder and how it affects my life. I feel the response has been positive, caring and thoughtful and so feel I am able to be myself on here.......to let my truth out and know it will be met with the light of love and understanding.
    That being said I have been having a lot more problems with my depression in the last few months. I have kept this mostly hidden from all but a few close friends and my doctor. I feel sometimes like I don't want to drain the friendships I have by being negative and want to embrace the light I can find even when I feel my darkest. My greatest light is my relationships with others. When I am in a more depressed state those valued relationships and the way I see them can be compromised. It affects my memory, my concentration and my ability to feel all of my feelings. The truth about depression is not that it is sad but it can be a LACK of feeling....that though something Should be feeling a certain way I cannot process it.  I feel the sting more deeply of any kind of difficulty in my friendships or family and have to remind myself that it can be just that my glasses are darker and not that things with my relationships, not to mention my life, are hard. I love my life, my job, my friends, my family and my community and only feel this negativity when my illness begins to tell me differently.
   I have negotiated the waters of this depression through the caring of those that know me best, my physician who has been with me for years and has seen me through worse times and my knowledge gleaned from years of ups and downs that these things don't last. They come and go through my life like leaves in a stream. I only have to get through it and I know there will be light again. I have managed to keep doing pretty well at my career and feel I have kept my friends pretty happy with me. I might have been a bit more solitary but sometimes that is what we all need when we are nursing ourselves back to wellness.
   Now that my depression is beginning to lift I must be careful not to let it go the opposite direction. What goes down must come up. And sometimes that is WAY up. When I deal with a depression it is always a chance that I may go too far in the other direction once I am coming out of it. Though that may sound awesome it is not really. Hypo-manic is pretty good as far as it goes. I have more energy, sign up for more stuff and feel I can go further and faster. I feel more confident, more outgoing and find social events more engaging.
   The problem is when the hypo-manic starts to rev up to full mania. I have had only three fully manic episodes in my life and I can tell you without a doubt that they are scary places to be. It is like rising up in a hot air balloon to realize you have no way to bring it down to the ground again. My thoughts start to fly too fast, my energy gets to be too frantic, I can't sleep and I begin to believe I am invincible which can lead to it's own downfalls.
    I am not going to worry about the future though. The future will be the way it will be and if I have any of those symptoms I have lived with them before and can usually read the signs before I am too far up in the sky to find my way back down. I also have a loving community to give me strong ties to a solid reality where the light is not so bright it blinds me.
    Saturday I go to run the Tecumseh Trail Marathon. My last marathon...the Eagle Creek Marathon in August was right at the start of my depressed period and two days after a massive panic attack. It was a very, very hard race. Not only did I arrive late and in a state of total panic and disarray but then had some troubles with my hydration pack and things which would ordinarily not bring me to my knees however with those dark lenses on I was not in that place of steadiness and spent the race having mini-breakdowns which were seen to by some very loving friends old and new and I can't thank them enough. I go into this marathon feeling more upbeat, excited, ready and solid and I believe this race will be what an honestly beautiful thing a trail race can be. I feel like my feet are on the ground and my heart is in the right place and hopefully that will be enough.


             Never give up on yourself. You are the only one who can save yourself. No one can do it for you.

Depression: More than feeling sad

  One of my favorite actors of all time is gone now. He was one of the funniest people on earth yet he could not escape the disease of depression. It is a medical illness and can have very serious consequences for those that deal with it.
 

  Here are some important facts to know about depression:

    Depression is not as simple as feeling sad. It is a mixture of so many things both mental and physical. It is a ball of negativity that includes things such as ennui, self-doubt, self-hatred, worry, anxiety, loss of joy, fatigue, loneliness, guilt, fear, anger and so much more.
   It can change the way you view the world, your friends and everyone around you. When you are fighting depression you begin to feel that things you thought were real and true are not. Paranoia about your friends and family can make you withdraw for fear they really don't like you or want to spend time with you. You feel lonely and feel no one loves you anymore. Your mind turns every situation into a negative one. Every word people say feels like it has a nuance of judgement, anger or frustration with you.
     It is being exhausted even after a full night's sleep or having nightmares all night so you can't sleep. It is more aches and pains in your body. Everything feels heavier and slower. It is not being able to engage in exercise as much because you just lack the energy, will and excitement for it. It is not not being able to eat or eating too much. It can cause an increase in addiction behaviors whether that's drinking, drugs, sex, shopping, gambling,smoking.......you want to find a way to stop the feelings and thoughts and sometimes turning to old crutches can make you feel you can deal with things better. Or you fool yourself into thinking they can and then the addiction now adds another layer of problems onto an already big pile.
    It is an increase in wanting to be more self-destructive to yourself because the hatred you have for yourself makes you not care anymore.

     A moment to spend on medications:

  Many people view medications for depression as "happy pills" and feel people can do without them or they are a big scam from Big Pharma. No. Just like any physical illness those with depression can be helped to manage their illness with medications. Anti-depressants don't "make you happy". Anti-depressants help the chemicals in your brain to work correctly again. Anti-psychotics don't mean you are psychotic. They can be used to calm the anguished thoughts that keep you up at night, make you mistrust your friend's intentions and excessive worry about things that are not happening. Those who say there is no need for medicine have never had true depression. If they had they would know that in those deep, dark moments any lifeline you are thrown you will grab because you are drowning and cannot save yourself.

Mental illness and the problems with treatment adherence

  I have posted here about my battles with bipolar disorder and it's role in my life. I have always had good adherence to the treatment of my disorder and good awareness of it's impact on my life and others should I not be diligent in my self-management. Perhaps this comes from being raised by two parents with mental illnesses so I was aware of it and it's existence from an early age. When I began to have some issues with this illness I was not unprepared for the symptoms and also was aware of the impact an uncontrolled illness had on one's family and social circle.
   The number one reason that individuals with mental illness are not adherent to treatment is because of Anosognosia or an unawareness of being sick. It is due to damage to the part of the brain in which we think about ourselves. People with Anosognosia will come up with many, many reasons for their behaviors and symptoms rather than knowing they have a serious mental illness.
   The problem with non-adherence is devastating. Non-adherence is the number one reason for relapse, re-hospitalization, job loss, homelessness and other problems like incarceration for crimes committed while under the influence of rampant symptoms.
    The number two reason is concurrent drug abuse which can be used as self-medicating and can hide symptoms behind a mask of drug-induced behaviors. Many of those with mental illness use drug and alcohol as a way to either dampen or heighten their symptoms. A person who is depressed might take a stimulating drug as a way to deal with that. Someone who is having hyper active symptoms such as mania may use sedatives as a way to control that internal feeling.
    Another reason, and this is seen in bi-polar individuals primarily, is that you want the "high" that being hypomanic or manic provides. Being able to go without sleep, be more socially dynamic, more productive and more creative can certainly have it's lure. However untreated mania can cause havoc for people. The processes of the mind that have to do with impulse control and decision-making are dampened and can lead someone to do some dangerous things such as commit crimes, be promiscuous, overspend money, drive recklessly or engage in other damaging acts. 

    For me I believe it is not my fault I was born with a chemical problem which creates mood problems and symptoms however if I am aware of my illness and am just defiant in adhering to my treatment then it becomes my problem. I should not subject my friends, family and co-workers to the actions of an uncontrolled mood disorder when there are proven treatments for it. Constant mood crisis and acting out tires and overwhelms our family and friends. It is unfair of us once we are both aware we have an illness, and are given a way to manage it, to defy that treatment and be a roller coaster of out-of-control behaviors and constant crisis that we make others deal with for us.

           “It took me far too long to realize that lost years and relationships cannot be recovered. That damage done to oneself and others cannot always be put right again.”
― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

         

The Heart in it's Wildness

 
        The nature of attachment: What does that mean? For some it means attachment to material items. For some it means attachment to people or ideals or political beliefs or religious beliefs. Attachment means that something Connects you to something else--or someone else.
         The thing about attachment is that it brings with it an expectation of reciprocal attachment. The expectations are what lead to unhappiness as the one partner feels like they are not being met with the same quantity of love as they are giving out.
        But love is not finite. Love doesn't have boundaries or borders or a designated amount and then there is no more. Real love is detachment. It is being happy that others have love in their lives and willing to share in their happiness. Real love is letting others go and do whatever brings them joy and fulfillment and makes their lives worth living. Love is not like money in a wallet that you spend and then there is no more. It keeps coming and the more of it you spend the more of it you have to share.
       A heart is a bottomless well with depth and clarity and secret pockets of light. A heart is a wind which takes with it all that makes you real. A heart is a night sky alight with stars that burst and swirl and inflame each other and the space around them--a holy grail of graciousness.
    So BE BOLD with your heart. Detach from expectations and desires and wishes and needs. Let it flow around and with others and guide them to you and let them go back out again like a boat on a current.

The Flight of Her

Arms up like tall grass in the field

   Wanting to fly—a butterfly in the breeze—

Feet planted to the ground like roots—

   Beckoning to stand and hold still.

  

But still there are stars where she wants to go

     And the moon beats like her heart—all pale and glowing

Lifting from that solid ground she can be swept up

A bit of fluff—a  small leaf—borne to the windswept

     Upper reaches and there to hover—

The ground so far below and she doesn’t care.

She is where the sun and stars gather—

        There is nothing else she would rather be

Than this.  Herself free.

Heather Lake, 2014, Summer Solstice

The problems with Brain

        The Brain can be a wonderful thing. With it I can think about things ahead of time, do my tasks and find my lost keys however sometimes Brain can be a downer. I want to think all kinds of happy thoughts but Brain has other ideas. Brain wants to think about all the things I have done wrong in the last 3 decades or so and pile them on me like a crazy quilt of guilt and anxiety. Heart argues with Brain in a constant battle to the death. Heart reminds Brain that lots of things are good and there is nothing to fear...that there are friends all around and that Brain is simply having a bad day which leads to Heart having a bad day which leads to anxiety for all.
       So what to do about Brain? Divert attention. That is difficult as Brain is the center of all attention-focusing processes like Eyes, Ears and Body so Brain must be cleverly bypassed by focusing Eyes on calm surroundings, Ears to calming sounds or Body to a physical activity like rest or exercise. Only then can Brain take a break and realize things are fine it is only an illusion of chaos and not actually chaos. Sometimes it is best to let Brain take an extended vacation when it is stuck in "unpleasant" mode and just try to relax into something mindless or Brain-less if you will. Listen to the hum of a fan, watch a single point on the wall for five minutes, close eyes and listen to all the sounds and pay attention to that and that only. Then Brain will be able to rest.

And...tomorrow is another day.             

A calm in the storm

Be a calm eye in the midst of the storm

      A tiny web of light in the darkness,

small and echoing like a rock bounced 

     down the walls of a cave

bringing that light down to where
   it can do the most good
Be that candle flame, that errant sunbeam,
   take the noise of chaos and
drown it with love. smother it with joy. quiet it with the beat of your heart.

H.Rose 3-20

Thoughts on the death of fred phelps

     Fred Phelps, the hate monger in charge of the worst church in America is dying. I have so many feelings about this. On the one hand he and his "church" have instilled so many hateful feelings in me over the years from picketing funerals of soldiers to showing up wherever with their awful signs. A part of me, the not-so-civilized part, wants to be hateful back. I want to feel some terrible joy in his demise and perhaps hope that some of that hate will die with him.
   But that won't happen. Hate will live on always. It is an unpleasant truth but one man's death will not make much of a dent in the hate that is in the world. Perhaps for a time the Westboro Baptist Church will founder but I am sure there are many who are eager to take his place and lead them into ever more horrible acts. So what will my hate do? Nothing but make me feel small, petty and angry and who wants to live that way? Vanquishing this devil will be a good thing for the world but it won't be a final thing. There will always be more devils to come. As long as there are people there will be ones with black hearts and evil intent.
   I also don't want to rattle on about it on Facebook or Twitter or other forums. Why? Because he will get what he wanted the most: Attention. The world will whittle our attention down to this one black spot and we won't be seeing any of the other things we need to be concerned with. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of taking my attention away from more important things like equal marriage rights for LBGT people, equal access to legal services, health insurance and spousal support. Let's bring ourselves OUT of the hate pit and into the light of love, acceptance and nurturing the ones who have been hurt the most from this man. Let's celebrate our togetherness in wanting the best for everyone and wanting acceptance for all ways of life, love and the freedom to be who we are without fear or repercussions.
    In closing:  Let's be the light we want to see in the world. Forget fred. He is not worth our time.

The night of the big fire

   Yesterday I had very scary experience. It was unreal......like a nightmare. I was at home texting my friend when suddenly realized my room was turning orange. I had not been facing the windows. I looked out the window and saw huge sky-high flames roaring not 50 feet away from my living room window and balcony. It was the most frightening, and most unreal, thing that I had ever seen.
   I have never been that close to a fire that big and out of control. I panicked and my biggest thought were my cat's safety. I depend on my cats and wanted them out the door as soon as possible. Unfortunately but understandably they were panicked by the roaring flames and also probably sensing my panic as well as I ran about the house trying to corral them towards the door to the hallway. I started crying because the windows were crackling and I could actually feel the heat inside my apartment. I was afraid the windows were going to bust in from the heat. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to get my cats out first and then didn't know if there were things I should bring with me in case the apartment caught fire: My birth certificate? Pictures of my loved ones? Important papers? I realized that I had formed no contingency plan in case of fire.
  When I realized I could not get my cats out safely I ran outside into the parking lot of my apartment building calling out that I couldn't get my cats out and could someone help me? This wonderful lady and her two male friends came into my house and helped me get one cat out. The other one went into the couch.  I actually tipped the couch over to see if she would get out and then when she wouldn't I grabbed the couch and dragged it to the front door to just get cat and couch out as a whole. She then ran out of the couch and into the closet.. When I went to get her out she attacked me which she never has done before. It hurt and I had to just grab my one cat and head out the door. The firemen were getting everyone out the building. They advised me to get a coat on as it was cold out and some shoes. I hadn't thought of that in my panic.
   I went downstairs holding Angelbaby in my arms. Lots of neighbors were out there and we found out everyone was okay. We could still hear the flames roaring so loudly and now also the sound of the tons of water spraying at the house. The nice lady brought over a blanket to cover both me and my cat.  I texted my friend back finally since the last thing she got on her phone was "Holy shit the house next door is on fire!" and that was it. She had texted me asking if I was in danger and also telling me she was very worried. I texted her back to say I was okay and tell her about the fire and getting the cats out and everything.
   The police came over to ask us if we had seen anyone next door that night. They had deemed the fire suspicious as the house next door was just being built and there were no people (thank GOD) living there yet and the drywall hadn't even been put up yet so obviously there was no electricity to start a fire, we hadn't had an electrical storm or anything so basically the only way the fire could have been started is on purpose.
   Finally we were able to go inside. I went into my apartment with the overturned couch and returned the room to it's condition. Angelbaby made  beeline for the closet when I put her down. I went outside on my porch to see what was happening outside. The fire department was still dousing the house with water but the flames were dying down and going out finally. Then we noticed that all the siding on our side of the apartment was all brown and crinkled and realized how close our homes had been to being set on fire as well.
       It is all over now but I have realized some things: I have to make up a fire plan for getting my important things out along with my cats. I need to be more prepared in general for dangers. I must make sure I have separated already the most important things to be taken out of my house if it is in danger of being destroyed.
      I am thankful that no one lived at the house yet. I am thankful our apartments didn't catch and everyone is okay. I am thankful to the woman who helped me who didn't even know me and how calm she was in the face of my fear. I am very grateful to the Bloomington Fire Department for their quick response and amazing work taking care of the fire before it got any more out of hand. Definitely they are heroes to me!
       I am feeling some leftover anxieties from the experience. I unplugged the microwave yesterday because I thought it was smoking a bit and think I will throw it out. Last night it was hard to sleep so I got up at 4am this morning because every little orange light got me looking out the window and feeling anxious.
      That is the second fire that lot has had in the last two years. I don't think they should build on that lot anymore. It seems someone has it out for them.

 

 

Cabin fever and what to do about it: Part Deux

 

As part of my cabin fever therapy yesterday in addition to other things I found blogging to be a fun way to pass the time. Today I have been inside most of the day except for a 2 mile arctic run downtown just to get out of the darn house for a bit. I was going to go to the library but it was closed. So was the coffee shop so I took the bus home because...yeah...COLD! It was kind of interesting running outside though and I got to see my friend Chris who called me crazy...in a good way. (?)

 

List of stuff I did today:

 

1. laundry (starting out exciting!)

2. watched junk daytime TV

3. emailed and messaged people on facebook

4. took pictures of my cat

5. called my friend in Australia (heat wave there!)

6. made stir fry

7. wrote out a trekking class

8. drank a beer after dinner

9. Read articles on Cracked.com and looked up funny things online to read

10. threw boiling water outside to see if i could make snow. I didn't.

11.read

12. napped

13. Thought about Tecumseh. Read weather reports and stuff about Tecumseh.

14. practiced my chin ups on my bar.

15. fixed the cable (I guess that was up there with junk TV)

 

16. thought about what I am going to do tomorrow. Snow day (s)

 

 



Cabin fever and what to do about it

So it's snowing. And also slushing. And freezing tonight because of friggin' cold temps overnight. Tomorrow will be a day at home. I have cabin fever today. Something about being inside all day makes me tired. I have also been on winter break from work now for two weeks which SOUNDS awesome but after enough time I am really running out of things to do with myself.
  
Things I have done to entertain myself today:

1. organized my office
2. made a video of my cat drinking diet pepsi
3. watched stand up comedy on Netflix
4. read web comics like the Oatmeal and Hyperbole and a Half
5. put my heart rate monitor on and lay down trying to see how low I could get it to go
6.watched the snow fall
7.had coffee
8. argued with the cable company because my cable is not working
9.napped
10.sent off some emails
11. facebooked
12. looked at funny memes online
13. ate animal crackers and milk
14.started a pork chop in the slow cooker to have for dinner
15. worked on filing
16. Watched a Psych marathon on my DVD player

17. Planning what I am going to do tomorrow when I have to stay in AGAIN.

snow day.