I killed kale and grew a pond

   I killed kale and grew a pond

I braved to grow kale plants this year. They died quickly after putting them in a large red bucket. No ventilation or way for the water to escape. I would tell people, “Here is my porch and this is the kale I killed.”

One day after the point of hopelessness I noticed small organisms in the kale muck. I have created a new world. An ecosystem off its own. What must they be thinking swimming around in their little watery world? They would only know me as the creator of their watery world. Inconceivable would be the absolute failure of my attempt to grow kale. I watched them swim around and thought, “I have killed kale and created a pond.” Whether they are frogs or some other beings it doesn't matter. To me they are all wonderful life.

The real words should have been “I killed kale and created a world.”

Creatures!!

Live good lives! Have fun! Make a better world for yourself than I did. I will try to keep the bucket full of water.

Don't expect--no disappointment

William Shakespeare reportedly said "Expectation is the root of all heartache". It is true it is in our best interests to be hopeful however expecting a certain outcome of an action leads to true heartache. Such as you may text or message someone and they see it but don't answer you back. Expecting an answer and/or a specific answer can lead to feelings of loss and increased sensitivity to remarks. That can lead to damaging your relationships with others. 

Being expectant of how we will feel or do day to day whether physically, emotionally and/or mentally can lead to disappointment with ourselves when we don't live up an expectation of our performance. Being expectant that a relationship will either evolve to more than it is or that it will continue can lead to feelings of loss when the relationship (i'm talking friendship OR romantic) doesn't do that or ends because of one thing or another. 

Expecting your friends to act a certain way towards you can also lead to disappointment. People are people. They will do as they do. We need to do what we need to do for ourselves and our own life and not expect things from others. That is so hard to do though. Reminding ourselves that just because we didn't get the response or the feelings returned doesn't mean that person doesn't care anymore can help to relax those feelings. 

I guess I am saying that while it's good to HOPE and REFLECT on desires if things don't happen that way then it is okay. 

 

stormy weather forecast in paradise

hey there blog readers. Things here at the Lake house have been a bit under the weather lately. Diagnosed with a bipolar illness is already tough-. Tack some thyroid problems onto that and it becomes stormy weather indeed.

I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism. It's when the thyroid doesn't produce enough thyroid hormone. All kinds of stuff can happen:  cold intolerance, weight gain, depression, fatigue, anxiety, insomnia, trouble learning new things, foggy thinking, memory problems, dry skin, the list goes on...

So here I am trying to register the new illness to go along with the old illness i still deal with daily.


What I am working on now:

1. getting out of the house daily
2. getting help to get out for my runs because my fatigue makes my motivation ZERO.
3. getting rid of gluten, soy, dairy and sugar. Some of these I have already been working on. some of them i am starting to work on.
4. Keeping a positive outlook on things
5.  Working tests online to keep the brain moving
6. finding things to be excited about--to look forward to
7. making sure i am honest with my friends about how i am truly feeling day to day--not giving the standard "FINE" when asked by someone I am close to. Obviously not to the grocer or the guy on the street but with true friends being honest when i am having a bad day. And a good day! And all the days in between.
8. Have some fun every day
9. Laughing
10. finding people to do stuff with when i am feeling tired and like "hermiting" ---my new word
11. Being safe, secure and well
12. Feeling the love all around me
13. Knowing things will always get better.
14. Knowing that having these things will make me a better helper for others who face these things and that is a fine thing indeed.

Thoughts from a widow--Orlando shooting

This will be a bit rambling as my head is still getting wrapped around what has happened in Orlando at the Pulse nightclub. It is unfortunately not surprising that LGBT people were a target. And I dearly wish that weren't so. I don't understand why someone else's love choice is SO enraging to some people it's okay to kill them, picket their funeral, beat them up, discriminate against them at work, in medical matters, in matters of life and death.

I had a wife. She passed away in 2007.  She had a daughter who is still my family. Her daughter at the time had two daughters. Now she has five children. She is my step-daughter and they are my grandchildren. Not legally though. Not legally because someone decided we were not counted as a family.

 We were married on a beautiful day in September in 2002. We were surrounded by people who loved us. We were welcomed into a family of people who believed in our love and commitment. We exchanged our vows that we would be bound together as a couple, as a family.

We walked through that land hand in hand and were celebrated and felt loved and accepted by the ones around us. It was a wonderful day. But on paper it was nothing. Though we had said our vows and proclaimed our commitment there was no public record. When she was sick and had to be in the hospital or go to the emergency room I could often not visit her there or get information on how she was doing because I was not considered family.

Explaining what the relationship to my step-daughter and her children were was sometimes complicated as legally they were nothing to me. Even though they meant everything to me. We had a home together. We bought a car together. We had a garden and bird houses. We planned meals, vacations and family get-togethers. We took family photos. Her daughter and grand-daughters lived with us for a time. We were a busy, thriving, loud family and we loved each other very much--all of us. 

But there was nothing I could do for her when she was ill. There was nothing I could do to help her when she was hospitalized, there was no legal recourse to help her with her legal matters when she was unable to do so.

When she passed away I couldn't get the death certificate or find out exact cause of her death. (It was sudden). I paid for her funeral and casket out of her last disability payment however was not considered legally entitled to do so because I was "not family". Over the next year I waded through her belongings, paid for her tombstone, tried to deal with debts for which I was responsible for now and, all the while, could not tell most people why I was so sad and 

I

what I had lost. A grieving widow in a straight couple is understood, able to find resources to help and given legal assistance with the particulars of the death of her spouse. I was not given any of that.

I would not trade that life for anything. It was filled with love, loud kids, camping trips, romance, special family times and a home together.

Our marriage was important. Every marriage should be legally recognized. As long as no one is getting hurt every union should be recognized. Our marriage hurt no one. Our home added to the community. Taking care of our duties to each other and to the kids--taking them to their first day of Kindergarten, picking them up at school, helping with homework. All that was important and still at the school I was not legally recognized as a grandparent.

Then there is this horrible hate crime. There have been many horrible hate crimes. Protesters saying dead soldiers are going to hell for being gay. People beaten, denied access to basic human rights, denied health coverage, spousal support, survivor benefits, adoption rights...it unfortunately goes on and on.

When this man went into this club and started shooting innocent people who were simply living differently than him I cried. I cried because he didn't care about who they were, what their home lives and families were like, about the love they had surrounded themselves with and how hard they fought in so many ways to be recognized.

He only saw they were different and it made him HATE. It made him KILL.

I am sad today. I am angry today. I have to reconcile this inside my mind. I find I cannot. There is no rhyme or reason to this. It's only RAGE and HATRED and there is really nothing more I can say.

Today--whatever your orientation--give thanks for your family--your spouses--your children--your lives. Hug those you love a little tighter and tell them you love them.