A runner who can't run. It's the definition of frustration.
My knees and hips have been bothering me more than ever lately. I hate it. It upsets me.
But it also changes my definition of myself. My identity as a runner was all tied up to my self-esteem. It was tied up to my friendships and relationships. It was tied up to my image of myself. But the hardest thing to let go of is my idea of how to stay fit. I have had to change that. My hips are not allowing me to run right now. My muscles feel sore for far longer than I want them to. My knees hurt a lot more now no matter how much I rest and what else I do.
But here lies the trick: It's not what you DO for fitness. It's just that you stay as fit as possible while nursing your body back to health. It is the idea of NOT pushing yourself that can sometimes be the most difficult and yet the most important thing you will ever accomplish. Keeping myself healthy for life is more important than pushing something to achieve a lifestyle I am not able to continue for long. I am in this body for life. I need to treat it with more respect than I previously have by pushing the running when I am not fit for it at the time.
I must be smart.
Smart sucks sometimes. It feels depressing to not be able to achieve a runner's high when i need it. It feels frustrating to see everyone doing their great runs and races and knowing that at this time I am unable to do that. Not that i am not happy for my friends---and extremely proud of them. I just want to join them--for runs, races, events, exciting moments in their lives.
I want that identity back. I want that feeling of accomplishment back.
How will I get those things back? Weightlifting, swimming, biking, walking alone or with friends, taking care of myself, getting enough sleep, de-stressing and remembering that my setback can lead to my comeback--a stronger and better person than before.
That is worth waiting for. I can get into other things and my identity can change from "runner" to whatever I choose to become. It can be good enough to be "heather" and realize that just because I cannot run isn't the end of my self-esteem, my good feelings about myself, my fitness and my ability to spend time with friends. It's different but not bad.
So...as I spend time with my doctors getting the hips and knees working better again I can find some ways to spend my time constructively and appreciating my runs later on in my life as a great gift--something to be treasuring. And if I not ever able to really run again?
That can be okay too.
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