I killed kale and grew a pond

   I killed kale and grew a pond

I braved to grow kale plants this year. They died quickly after putting them in a large red bucket. No ventilation or way for the water to escape. I would tell people, “Here is my porch and this is the kale I killed.”

One day after the point of hopelessness I noticed small organisms in the kale muck. I have created a new world. An ecosystem off its own. What must they be thinking swimming around in their little watery world? They would only know me as the creator of their watery world. Inconceivable would be the absolute failure of my attempt to grow kale. I watched them swim around and thought, “I have killed kale and created a pond.” Whether they are frogs or some other beings it doesn't matter. To me they are all wonderful life.

The real words should have been “I killed kale and created a world.”

Creatures!!

Live good lives! Have fun! Make a better world for yourself than I did. I will try to keep the bucket full of water.

Don't expect--no disappointment

William Shakespeare reportedly said "Expectation is the root of all heartache". It is true it is in our best interests to be hopeful however expecting a certain outcome of an action leads to true heartache. Such as you may text or message someone and they see it but don't answer you back. Expecting an answer and/or a specific answer can lead to feelings of loss and increased sensitivity to remarks. That can lead to damaging your relationships with others. 

Being expectant of how we will feel or do day to day whether physically, emotionally and/or mentally can lead to disappointment with ourselves when we don't live up an expectation of our performance. Being expectant that a relationship will either evolve to more than it is or that it will continue can lead to feelings of loss when the relationship (i'm talking friendship OR romantic) doesn't do that or ends because of one thing or another. 

Expecting your friends to act a certain way towards you can also lead to disappointment. People are people. They will do as they do. We need to do what we need to do for ourselves and our own life and not expect things from others. That is so hard to do though. Reminding ourselves that just because we didn't get the response or the feelings returned doesn't mean that person doesn't care anymore can help to relax those feelings. 

I guess I am saying that while it's good to HOPE and REFLECT on desires if things don't happen that way then it is okay. 

 

stormy weather forecast in paradise

hey there blog readers. Things here at the Lake house have been a bit under the weather lately. Diagnosed with a bipolar illness is already tough-. Tack some thyroid problems onto that and it becomes stormy weather indeed.

I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism. It's when the thyroid doesn't produce enough thyroid hormone. All kinds of stuff can happen:  cold intolerance, weight gain, depression, fatigue, anxiety, insomnia, trouble learning new things, foggy thinking, memory problems, dry skin, the list goes on...

So here I am trying to register the new illness to go along with the old illness i still deal with daily.


What I am working on now:

1. getting out of the house daily
2. getting help to get out for my runs because my fatigue makes my motivation ZERO.
3. getting rid of gluten, soy, dairy and sugar. Some of these I have already been working on. some of them i am starting to work on.
4. Keeping a positive outlook on things
5.  Working tests online to keep the brain moving
6. finding things to be excited about--to look forward to
7. making sure i am honest with my friends about how i am truly feeling day to day--not giving the standard "FINE" when asked by someone I am close to. Obviously not to the grocer or the guy on the street but with true friends being honest when i am having a bad day. And a good day! And all the days in between.
8. Have some fun every day
9. Laughing
10. finding people to do stuff with when i am feeling tired and like "hermiting" ---my new word
11. Being safe, secure and well
12. Feeling the love all around me
13. Knowing things will always get better.
14. Knowing that having these things will make me a better helper for others who face these things and that is a fine thing indeed.

Thoughts from a widow--Orlando shooting

This will be a bit rambling as my head is still getting wrapped around what has happened in Orlando at the Pulse nightclub. It is unfortunately not surprising that LGBT people were a target. And I dearly wish that weren't so. I don't understand why someone else's love choice is SO enraging to some people it's okay to kill them, picket their funeral, beat them up, discriminate against them at work, in medical matters, in matters of life and death.

I had a wife. She passed away in 2007.  She had a daughter who is still my family. Her daughter at the time had two daughters. Now she has five children. She is my step-daughter and they are my grandchildren. Not legally though. Not legally because someone decided we were not counted as a family.

 We were married on a beautiful day in September in 2002. We were surrounded by people who loved us. We were welcomed into a family of people who believed in our love and commitment. We exchanged our vows that we would be bound together as a couple, as a family.

We walked through that land hand in hand and were celebrated and felt loved and accepted by the ones around us. It was a wonderful day. But on paper it was nothing. Though we had said our vows and proclaimed our commitment there was no public record. When she was sick and had to be in the hospital or go to the emergency room I could often not visit her there or get information on how she was doing because I was not considered family.

Explaining what the relationship to my step-daughter and her children were was sometimes complicated as legally they were nothing to me. Even though they meant everything to me. We had a home together. We bought a car together. We had a garden and bird houses. We planned meals, vacations and family get-togethers. We took family photos. Her daughter and grand-daughters lived with us for a time. We were a busy, thriving, loud family and we loved each other very much--all of us. 

But there was nothing I could do for her when she was ill. There was nothing I could do to help her when she was hospitalized, there was no legal recourse to help her with her legal matters when she was unable to do so.

When she passed away I couldn't get the death certificate or find out exact cause of her death. (It was sudden). I paid for her funeral and casket out of her last disability payment however was not considered legally entitled to do so because I was "not family". Over the next year I waded through her belongings, paid for her tombstone, tried to deal with debts for which I was responsible for now and, all the while, could not tell most people why I was so sad and 

I

what I had lost. A grieving widow in a straight couple is understood, able to find resources to help and given legal assistance with the particulars of the death of her spouse. I was not given any of that.

I would not trade that life for anything. It was filled with love, loud kids, camping trips, romance, special family times and a home together.

Our marriage was important. Every marriage should be legally recognized. As long as no one is getting hurt every union should be recognized. Our marriage hurt no one. Our home added to the community. Taking care of our duties to each other and to the kids--taking them to their first day of Kindergarten, picking them up at school, helping with homework. All that was important and still at the school I was not legally recognized as a grandparent.

Then there is this horrible hate crime. There have been many horrible hate crimes. Protesters saying dead soldiers are going to hell for being gay. People beaten, denied access to basic human rights, denied health coverage, spousal support, survivor benefits, adoption rights...it unfortunately goes on and on.

When this man went into this club and started shooting innocent people who were simply living differently than him I cried. I cried because he didn't care about who they were, what their home lives and families were like, about the love they had surrounded themselves with and how hard they fought in so many ways to be recognized.

He only saw they were different and it made him HATE. It made him KILL.

I am sad today. I am angry today. I have to reconcile this inside my mind. I find I cannot. There is no rhyme or reason to this. It's only RAGE and HATRED and there is really nothing more I can say.

Today--whatever your orientation--give thanks for your family--your spouses--your children--your lives. Hug those you love a little tighter and tell them you love them.

Words,lies and deep thoughts

When your friend is most active might be the time to make sure they are ok. Their words can be lies but body language and behaviour doesn't. It is weird most suicides happen in the spring. And sometimes when someone goes from down and inactive to wildly active it can mean more than people think.

Don't let your friend lie to you and slip away.

Remind them things will get better.

nothing really: just my day today

I was in my house today--at least physically although mentally i was residing in the town of Chester's Mill--as doing an "Under the Dome" marathon has definitely gone to my head. My cats are lounging as they do unless I am on my phone in which case Angelbaby gets jealous of the phone and has to go between me and the phone crying and blocking it from view. I have told her she is a better door than a window.

I note my breakfast on my diet log. I keep a small notebook to track my carb and general macronutient intake. I try to keep my carbs to 45 carbs a meal--complex carbs only and try to limit them to within an hour after exercise. Since I am not running 40 mile weeks I need to get more serious about my nutrition. Sugars, unhealthy fats, starchy carbs, limit on beer and alcohol and keeping more careful track of what I am eating and when. 

As I take a break from Chester's Mill I turn on Tori Amos on my Pandora stations. I have several stations--a  lot of stand up comedy stations. I am a stand up comedy addict. I know so many comics routines by heart as I am fine with hearing the same routines over and over again until even the cadence and timing can be done precisely. I love to watch stand up comedy on YouTube but mostly just listen to it for hours as background noise while I am home working on art projects, reading, cleaning or doing homework.

Time to take an exercise break:  Heading out to my bike The Minivan, armed with warmer clothes for riding the bike and my light long sleeved shirt for running and walking I ride my way down the B-line to Adams street then turn around and ride the B-line and rail trail until Church lane. Leaving my warmer clothes behind I take off on a run/walk routine down the clear creek trail about 2 miles out and 2 miles back.

I love seeing the red winged blackbirds and enjoy seeing the little songbirds in the wooden houses along the path--when they see me they fly away like "Nothing to see here..I am over here now. Nope, no babies around". I see several people today including my friend Chris running with purpose, a man in an M&M cap I compliment  him on and a birder with binoculars which I have a short conversation with about the fact that that is a huge crow rather than a hawk and asking him why the tiny songbirds chase the crows. He informs me crows attack the little bird's babies and will eat the eggs so they little birds actually take the initiative and chase and attack the crows before they get the chance. Brave little birds!!Those crows are four times their size. What a mother will do for her young.

I passed a house with a bunch of free stuff on the lawn. I took two nice water bottles, some weight lifting/cycling gloves; a warm coat (pretty big and long on me but very warm); a backpack and a slinky. I don't know why the slinky--maybe because i used to love them and never see metal ones anymore. 

Back home reading blogs and my natural health cures book looking for benefits of apple cider vinegar which I have started to take a teaspoon of every day interspersed with a bit of juice. I have started using coconut oil as well--for cooking but also as a hair conditioner. Once a week I coat my hair with some liquefied coconut oil, leave it in a shower cap overnight and then wash it out in the morning. It creates the nicest quality of conditioning I have found. I also use Argon Oil conditioner and spray. Grey hair can become wiry if not treated to conditioning. I only shampoo my hair about twice a week now so it is more conditioned than anything.

Witch Hazel has become my toner of choice as well. A bit of witch hazel and then a little coconut oil to add over the top. You would think coconut oil would add too much oil and cause blemishes but it actually helps my face to be moisturized without the blemishes. I am unlucky in some ways to be allergic to quite a few skin treatments including neutragena plus I have a metal allergy so no jewelry. Although I have some wonderful friends who have made me non-metal necklaces and such so I can have some jewelry to wear.


Night time is time to read and write. I am reading a few different books right now. Walden by Thoreau; The Shining by Stephen King and a book called The Search for Shrodinger's Cat.  I like to write poetry and stories and occasionally publish them in one of my three blogs. I come from a long line of writers and poets so it is in my blood I think. Both of my parents were reporters and writers. Pretty darn good photographers too. My mom even co-wrote a book about country and western stars in which she got to meet some big names including Johnny and June Carter Cash. She also interviewed some cool people like Jane Pauley, the Today show host back in the 70's and 80's.

I do some stretching before bed. Tomorrow I start my training for my certified recovery specialist certification which I am already getting set up to get a job at the local mental health center as a recovery coach. I am excited by it. I took this training actually five years ago previous to the personal training certification and got certified but was not able to find a job in the field. This time I have told them I am willing to take it over again but really will need to lead to some type of job. They are already starting the process so I am feeling fairly confident at this point. My personal training business is starting up slowly but that is the nature of new business. I now have about three clients so I feel good about that.


So there you go. Thanks for reading!

LOST

The most precious words to say are "I am Lost".

        I'm lost to the big, blunt world,

lost to the shouting rants, 24 hour news,

       the crowded hallways—the rush of briefcases.

The best thing I can say is that when I am lost I am found,

       for there are paths invisible and roads unattainable

that the deserted ones can find.

If I am shaking my heart—my mind--

                     free of deceitful spaces and false edges

                I will go there quietly.

  Quickly--a gecko on the wall,

           silent as a shadow.

   You won't notice me leaving until it's too late.

If I were to land a burning plane

    on the tarmac and save everyone within

would I dine at the table of the gracious?

    If I were to swim the great ocean all alone

and reach France in time for dinner

   would you join me for a glass of wine?

If I were to run all the mountains of Switzerland

   with bare feet and the clothes on my back

would you be wanting to speak of dreams?

                I will listen until you have emptied yourself

   of every thought and feeling

you wish to share with me--

   honored to be in your circle of trust.

Taking this innocence of time

   passing I will lean closer to you,

smell your hair,

    breathe in your outgoing breath,

hold my eyes closed

   feeling each muscle stir within your smile.