Me Too

I'm encouraged by the posts about sexual assault to briefly tell you my story. When I was a teen I had left home at 16 and was down in Kansas city without parents or family. Due to an unfortunate event I was briefly homeless.

One night I had gone to a park with my backpack and a blanket to sleep there. I saw a man approach from the dark side of the park. I saw a glint of metal and realized he had a gun. I tucked my knife back into my backpack so as not to provoke him

He sat at the table holding the gun facing me. I tried to fake him out saying I had a boyfriend who was coming soon.

He held the gun to my head, had me lay down on the picnic bench and told me if I made a sound he would shoot. He then raped me. After he told me to lay still and count to 100. If I got up before that he said he would shoot me.

Since I was a wayward teenager sleeping in a park the police weren't inclined to work very hard. They just asked me what did I think being in the park at night. Look at my little shorts and t-shirt. Basically I was treated as a druggie runaway not worthy of much time nor investigation.

So there is my story. Short. It happened. That's life and it sucks and it should never happen to anyone. I am glad the Me Too thing is going viral. Maybe something will happen. I hope so.

The child within--a poem

There once was an older woman
who felt often like a child.
She wanted still to reach the moon,
hold it in her hands,
fly among the stars
to land in Neverland.
Fall down a long rabbit hole,
meet a magic smiling cat,
have tea with the Mad Hatter,
have him make her a brand new hat.

She bravely set out each morning
with her backpack on her back,
hoping for a magic mirror
or meet a boy with a pure white cow--
a boy whose name was Jack.
She counted numbers to find
their careful hidden codes,
drew pictures of her dreams,
and she always kept in her mind
that things were never as they seem.

So when you see a woman,
with hair that's grey and white.
Remember that she hides an inner child
who guides her day and night.

H.Rose

The benefits of periods of celibacy

   Why when I look up the subject of celibacy online it always points me to religious reasons or a disdain or dislike for physical closeness with someone? Pictures in the mind of one who is left alone through some defect of character, history, baggage or looks?

   In my life I have at times practiced long periods of celibacy. This is not because I can't attract someone or are religiously motivated. All it means is that for a time I choose to go without the pressures and difficulties of a relationship. This includes sex as I need true feelings to have a sexual experience. As I grow older this is more and more important to me.

  I do not feel as though I am missing out on something when I take these periods of celibacy. After my partner died in 2007 I went many years fully celibate. It was a time to work on myself, go through my grieving process without a rebound relationship to latch onto for some co-dependent need. I worked on my health, both physically; mentally and emotionally, and felt a freedom not to invest my time in pursuing sexual avenues. I found my expression in physical exertion, learning new things, meeting new people, getting involved with my community and finding hitherto unknown strengths I had lost in the maze of previous relationships. I sorted myself out, found out who I was and felt free.

  I have since had some relationships with some very good women who I still talk to today. We have no enmity towards each other though things may have had some tumultuous times during our courtship. After each one I go through a period of celibacy. Some last longer than others. I call this celibacy rather than lonely searching because that is not what it is to me. It's a time to regroup, figure out what went wrong in my previous relationship--how could I have made it better?

  Right now I am at times a year in between physical encounters. I am happy when they happen and I feel content when they are not. My purpose here is to make my life the best it can be--to overcome obstacles when they present themselves--to take care of myself one day at a time and become the best person I can be--my healthiest, at peace with life, make amends and heal my current relationships with friends and family. I want to be a whole person and if I find someone I can go through my days with free of the drama of attachment issues and problems from the past then I will receive that as a gift and go forth. Until such time I am happy to be where I am--making strides towards completeness within my life and within myself.

Celibacy---not a dirty word.

Short Story: The Endless

She woke to find herself on a floor of glass. Looking down was dizzying. She could see what looked like miles beneath her—all darkness with small dots of lights here and there. After patting around herself and being sure there actually WAS a floor all around she slowly rose from the floor. It was so disconcerting—this walking over a limitless-looking chasm. All around the (room?) were mirrors. They were set in such a way as to make it seem there were hundreds of her leading back to infinity. She could see no door.

“First to make sure I am okay”, she thought. She checked her body, patting it all around and making sure nothing was sore, bruised or hurting. She looked at her clothing. It was a long, white light gown. Like a nightgown but with a bit more substance. Across her waist was a band as blue as a robin's egg.

After she was satisfied she was physically fine she began to think back on how she might have gotten here. She couldn't remember anything before right now. She didn't know her name, where she was from, how old she was, nothing of her personal history or makeup.

She moved to one of the mirrors. Female. Tall. Fair skinned. Green eyes. Long white hair down to her waist. Small lines around her bright eyes. Long, slender fingers just showing some age. A plain, silver ring on her right index finger. The white gown fit just right. The sash around her waist was pretty.

But now she wanted to get out of this room. It was beginning to bother her mind. The deep, endless pit beneath her, the endless mirror images of her all around her. She had also become aware of some non-specific musical tone surrounding her. It had been so quiet that she had not been aware of it at first.

She began to walk the edges of the room, negotiating around the mirrors and pushing on this mirror or that one, hoping one of them was a door. As she made her way around she found a small glass cube with a small blue puff in the middle of it like a dandelion seeding. Picking it up it started to glow. No heat. Just glowing, the puff in the middle disappearing in the brightness. Across the cube it began to say ASK ME ANYTHING over and over....ASK ME ANYTHING....ASK ME ANYTHING....ASK ME ANYTHING...

Ok so she asked it “How do I get out of here?”

MUST BELIEVE.....MUST BELIEVE....MUST BELIEVE...MUST BELIEVE....

“What do I need to believe?”

IN OTHER WORLDS..........

“Other worlds in the mirrors???” she asked feeling both perplexed and intrigued.

THEY ARE GUIDES......

Do I push on them or?? what?

BELIEVE...BELIEVE....BELIEVE.....

Well, she thought, that wasn't much of an answer but it seemed the cube was just a guide not there to give her specific instructions.

Believe??? she thought 'Believe in what?? Other worlds? Am I supposed to push on the mirrors and believe in other worlds and then I can get out of here? That seems so strange but then this whole thing is strange.

Tucking the cube in the folds of her robe she made her way over to the mirrors. She looked at herself in one of them, seeing miles of tall, white haired women. She tried to will herself to Believe. Thought of worlds spinning all around her, thought of those worlds turning into other worlds....like these mirrors.

That's it!!! The mirrors are the gateways to the other worlds!! I know it! She yelled into the empty room.

Bringing the cube back out again she asked “Do I say something to the mirror?”

TELL IT WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE

Anything?? she asked

YES

What's my name? Do you know?

IONA UNESTE ORWYNE....IONA UNESTE ORWYNE

That's my name?

YOU HAVE MANY MANY NAMES

She decided to choose Iona. That would do. She went back to the mirrors. Looking into the depths she said aloud “I want to see a field of purple flowers with a sunset pink sky and a moon hanging low in it. I want there to be horses running across the field. I want to see mountains in the distance and hear distant peals of bells. I want birds flying overhead of every color in the universe. I want to see other people like me that I can talk to and a path that leads to a beautiful forest where I have a beautiful house among the trees.”

The mirrors silently stared back image after image of Iona. Had she done it wrong? Asked too much? Been too specific?

Cube—What did I do wrong?

MUST BELIEVE...MUST BELIEVE...MUST BELIEVE...the cube burned brightly now, brighter than before.

She looked back at the mirror and with all her will thought of that beautiful land she had asked for. She closed her eyes and envisioned riding a horse down that path to her forest home, finding others to talk to, beautiful pink sky, the purple flowers smelling so sweetly it was like breathing honey.

She began to hear something first. A little whistling sound. Then she felt her hair begin to flutter. Her feet no longer felt glass underneath but tall grass. The sweet smell filled her nose and she looked up. She was here. In her dream. All around her were a giant ring of mountains. Overhead the sky was a sunset color with a huge crescent moon hanging low in the sky. The breeze blew her white robe around her and her hair up in dancing strands. And there! There was a path. And then she saw them. The horses. Dozens of them all colors even blue, pink, purple, green. They ran across the field manes and tails flying back, winnying to each other.

She walked down the path. She imagined herself wearing some soft sandals and there they were on her feet. She thought about a cold drink and there was a goblet of some kind of sweet juice for her to drink.

This must be a dream. I am in bed. I am lying in bed and dreaming all of this. The mirrors, the cube, this land. But it still didn't explain why she couldn't remember anything about herself. Well maybe that's the dream too! That was a thought there.

She walked along smelling the sweet flowers, hearing the birds sing and circle above her. It never got darker, the sky never changed color, the scene stayed constant. The horses ran. She tried to believe something else into existence but couldn't think of anything else. She was tired from figuring out all these puzzles. She saw the woods ahead of her. They lead her to a lovely little thatch roof house. She went into it and saw a pallet on the floor. She fell into it and was almost instantly asleep. 

__________________________________________________________________

She was lying on a glass floor. Beneath her was a vast, deep chasm filled with little points of light. She felt around. She was not hurt. She couldn't remember her name or anything before right now. She made sure all was glass then got up and looked around her. Mirrors all around her, reflecting back endless images of a young girl with short, dark hair wearing a red gown.

She circled around and found a glass ball. She picked it up and it began to glow.

ASK ME ANYTHING...ASK ME ANYTHING...ASK ME ANYTHING.......

THE END

Social anxiety and working through it

When you have panic disorder, generalized anxiety and especially social anxiety it can feel overwhelming just to think of all the people you may encounter outside of your  house. It can make you feel stuck. The thing about anxiety is once you are having an anxious day everything starts to build up---noises start to bother you, people around you bother you. Walking through a crowded grocery store? The anxiety starts to turn into a general bitterness about all the people all around you and WHY can't they all just go somewhere else where you are not???

Making small talk with people you kind of know can be difficult. Especially when you have memory difficulties. You want to have a successful conversation but it feels like you are just flipping through a rolodex coming up with all the accepted questions and answers.

No matter how I feel, no matter what kind of day I am having when asked how i am i will answer FINE. The reason I do this is because i don't have the conversational fortitude to go into anything with anyone.

That doesn't mean I am not interested. I truly AM interested in what people are doing, what my friends are doing, how they are doing and what's going on with the kids, baby, new job. It's just difficult sometimes to come up with right words when your brain is going all different directions.

This tends to keep you inside where you can have control over the people who come in; the atmosphere around you; the noise and lack of noise. I think social anxiety is about fear of a lack of control of your environment. Because when you are out among everyone you cannot control what others are doing you can only control how you react.


I have become a lot better. But still sometimes........

Internet forever!!!!


(pictures from the book Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh which is the awesomnest book and everyone should read it more than once )

POEM: Empty rooms and new doors

Do you ever feel like something is missing?

Do you ever feel like there is nothing there?

Empty? Do you ever feel that you are alone?

The quiet of the afternoon, no one around,

dusky rooms and a bright computer screen.

Trying to write out thoughts

to figure things out

like where do I go from here?

I want to continue to fly

I want to keep moving forward

My feet are turned towards the door

I just need to step outside it

Remember people love me.

Remember I love others.

Remember how much I enjoy

simple things like sunshine, rainy evenings,

animals, my friends, the woods, my job, feeling useful,

feeling needed.

And though one chapter of my life may be ending,

Another one is beginning.

My life has not been a short story,

it's been a novel.

And I am not at the final chapter yet.

h.rose

People's misconceptions about hidden disabilities and work issues

  I really questioned if i was going to write this. Then i questioned if I would release it but I think it's important for people to know. I have been told before over and over that I am able bodied and there should be no reason i can't work.
  Living with a hidden disability can be frustrating. People do not know you are sick because you don't look like you are. You have no cane, wheelchair or seeing eye dog. You are not outwardly showing symptoms, you can hold a conversation. I do have a visible sign of my disability. I have a benign tremor. That means I shake.....pretty much all the time. It gets worse when I am stressed or when I have to concentrate really hard on something. Some glitch in the nervous system I guess.
   I can sometimes get really upset at something that wouldn't upset someone more healthy. I can have obsessive thoughts that guide my behavior. I am forgetful, distant, spacey and require more patience from bosses and co-workers. I can make mistakes on simple tasks. I can get tired more easily and my mind can wear out more quickly and then my thinking problems only get worse.
    I can get anxiety talking to customers or dealing with difficult personal situations. I do not learn as fast as I wish I did. It took me three months at my job to finally get down the drinks and still i make mistakes and my co-workers have been very patient with me but I know it can be frustrating. If I work too many hours I get too stressed and tired and the quality of my work suffers.
    I may have to quit my job. I love my job. I love being a barista. I have worked so hard. I always work hard. People think if you are receiving any benefits and you are not visibly disabled you are cheating the system. But I have had trouble working or working consistently for a long time. I know as a certified barista i can find another job working starbucks at a time when things are humming along better. The only thing is when I have good days I feel so good!! When I am on top of the drinks, can handle a rush, am on with all the prep work it feels so good.
    But I get home and pretty much crash every day. And on my days off usually glued to the couch. I have good days off too. I sometimes go to my stress reliever---the woods. That always helps my anxiety. That is why I am a trail runner. The quiet of the woods really brings down those inner voices that get me overthinking and worrying.
   I hope we can work something out. I wanted that coffee master apron and to go to the district championships. I thought this time i could keep working with no problems. But after a couple of panic attacks at work and some days of depression while trying to work it may be i must admit it's time to go. I hope not. I really do.

The Overthinking Mind

           

 The Overthinking Mind

      There is a song in which the lyrics say “worries crawling around in her clothes”. When you have a brain/neurotransmitter problem worries can become monsters around every corner.

     At one level of my mind I must know that the worries are groundless—that my mind is tricking me with lights and mirrors. But my mind also has a separate place where the anxiety lives and the worries hang out there. Anxiety and worry are best friends. I have been told I have a thin skin. I have been told my whole life that I am “too sensitive”. I don't think it's so bad to be sensitive. It keeps you caring about people, seeing things through their eyes and wanting to have compassion for others. It allows you to see small signs in someone's eyes that they need more help than they will say out loud. It helps you have connections with people that are real and deep.

          The downside of this sensitivity is that it can morph into overthinking and over analyzing situations to the point of obsession. You see things in people that they may be projecting and you play with it and turn it over and over in your mind like a cat with a mouse and because minds aren't perfect they can misconstrue these small changes in behavior or attitude even though nothing at all is wrong.

         There are ways I combat this tendency towards overthinking and obsessing is that I like to write, I listen and watch stand up comedians, talk with friends, watch something interesting on the computer or read something funny or engrossing online.

      I once had a book, and still may have it somewhere, called “The Worrywarts Handbook” and what it said was one skill which I have used is to put the worries up on a shelf when they come and then you set aside 5 minutes or so once a day that is “worry time” and you sit there and just let the mind get through all the worries. It departmentalizes those moments of anxiety and helps you to push aside the worries at the time. This may not work for everyone. But you have to find what works.

     Either that or anxiety will overwhelm you. If your mind is prone to do this you can drive yourself crazy. Try to put the worries on a shelf. Come back to them later. Maybe later on you will realize that what you were concerned with never even came to pass.

Poem: Dance on, Sing on, Paint on

Dance and Sing and Paint

Dance on tender heart,

your soul music makes me smile                                                   

Dance on summer soul

your feet don't touch the earth

Dance on earth mother

your hair is wreathed in flowers

Dance on cosmic goddess

you move to the music of the spheres

Sing on joyous soul

you make the songbirds jealous                                                   

              Sing on creative genius                                                                                    your  notes breathe life to darkness

Sing on small soul of light

you have a voice of summer shimmering heat

Sing on you sweet and quiet one

we hear your song in the beat in our veins

Paint on you seer of light and shadows

you bathe the eyes like water

Paint on you silent soul

your inner darkness speaks for you

Paint on you gentle manic one

your colors are bright as stars

Paint on you follower of star stuff

we see your passion for the great unknown

Dance on you seers of things to pass

your wisdom shines through your feet

Sing on you angels of dark and light

your voice makes the heavens weep

Paint on you bringers of dreams and fears

you teach us to look inside.

Live on you bringers of darkness and light, your feet muddy, your hair in knots, your voices rising like tidal waves, your dreams upon the canvas, your soul touched by madness, your voices small or great, sweet or booming. 

Always BE who you ARE

By Heather Lake

The Broken Brain's Journey through Underland

Written  by Heather Rose

Winding up, thoughts swirling,

pulse burning, heart banging,

feeling that your hair is on fire,

your feet won't move,

you cannot find a solid thought.

            Dying down, laying, sleeping,

thoughts slowing, mind darkening,

lights turning off and off and off,

brain dimming, energy draining,

falling down a deep hole into mindless sleep.

             Light hitting like a fist,

voices all around so loud, so close,

the sound of a car engine makes you

want to yell to SHUT UP!

Everything hits you like a raw nerve.

Lights, sounds, movement, people

moving around you, people talking

all sound too loud.

             Someone can hear me. Someone can see me

through my computer screen.Through my TV.

Someone is after me. There are plots all around.

Who is a friend? Who isn't? Unsure.Too aware.

All movement is meant for me. All static.

All rotating around my busy, busy mind.

Doors locked. Cell phone off. Computer off.

Inside. Inside. Inside. Quiet. Alone. Safe.

So tired. So tired. Mind tired. Body tired.

Faith lost. Future lost. Deepening down to

my worn heart. Beating slowly now.

Thoughts darkening like storms becoming

tornadoes blasting away the light.

Head down. Eyes closed. Heart protected.

Up goes the big, brick wall.

The locked gate.

The sentry at the door.

No one gets in. No one gets out.

The trickiness of the invisible disability

    I am so happy I can keep a good job. I am so happy I can live independently and handle many things on my own. I have helpers but they don't need to micromanage. I have doctors who treat me with care and consideration. I have work that makes me happy, good friends and  a place to lay my head at night.
  Though I have a few conditions which work against me I am good at fighting and I am good at hiding when I am not feeling my best. I work hard every day at staying as healthy as I can and still being able to have a full and enjoyable life.

There are many disabilities which are invisible to the eye. I don't have a guide dog, a wheelchair or an obvious developmental disability. I DO have a few setback to my overall health that I have combated since I was 22 years old and still affect me today. Sometimes these things are more obvious than other times. Sometimes I can hide them almost completely. ;

However for those who see people acting strangely on the bus, parking in a disabled parking spot when they can walk, using a service dog when they don't seem on the outside to need one......don't judge them. Think about taking a walk in their shoes for one day and see if you can see  a difference.


It only takes one hurtful comment to ruin someone's day. If you can't be kind at least be quiet.

Dealing with political upheaval with a mental illness

What to do in a political upheaval and scary situation





I have been upset since the election. VERY UPSET. For the first few days I didn't want to leave the house because of my fears. In my 47 years on spaceship Earth I have never seen an American election go so horribly wrong as to elect a mysogenistic, racist, able-ist, ignorant and, most definitely, dangerous sexual predator to the highest office in the land.

I have not known what to do. Being on the fringes in some way of this administration due to my disability *which he openly mocks*  and my sexual orientation I feel threatened in a way I have never felt threatened before.

It opens my heart to see so many participating in the marches all over the world today. I wish my disability would let me join the crowds and take part. I have sent in my name and why I don't want him to be in charge in to the National March for Disabled. So I am there. But I want to do more. But when you have some disability(ies) it can make it challenging.


So I have composed some ways those with mental challenges could deal with all of this:

1. Keep up with your self-care. You cannot care for anyone else unless you are taken care of first
2.  Talk to your doctor if this situation is making your symptoms worse
3. if you feel helpless and suicidal due to this please call a suicide hotline  and speak to someone
4. If you have paranoid thoughts try to talk yourself out of that place by looking up facts online, talking to a friend or just distract yourself from the news for a bit.
5. If you feel in danger at any time do not be afraid to call 911. They will not take you to the hospital simply for being afraid.
6. Listen to your caregivers and trust when they say you will be safe. The only way to get through this with a disability is to take the care and trust in other people.
7. Take time away from social media, the news and any other medium that feeds your anxiety and paranoia. Go to the woods. Go to a park. Don't take your phone. Unplug. Write things down. Do something ever day that helps you feel better
8. Use what you have. Write letters to senators, sign online petitions, post on social media about things that anger you and let people know what is going on, give some money to organizations that need it right now, buy a subscription to a paper...you can do much if you just have a little ingenuity. 


Most importantly remember that though you may not have the capacity to do as much as some others do you still are important, you still have value to participate in the movement in as many ways as you are able and you are needed.