How to spend Christmas alone without feeling lonely

I am alone for Christmas. It is not too bad as I am becoming more of an introvert and I have lived alone now for almost 10 years so I am used to it. I really don't mind being alone. I feel I refresh my batteries--Heather on the charger so to speak. Many people are alone for the holidays and many feel lonely. I want to reach out to those through this post and let them know that though they may be alone you are not really ever alone. If you have family and friends, even if you are not seeing them on that day, you can remember that you are still loved.

I have been alone for many holidays over the years and have discovered some nice things to do so I can celebrate it without getting sad about it.

1. Do something special for yourself on that day. Whether it is ordering some yummy food, cooking something special, watching a good movie or taking a walk to the park. Find something special to do just for you.

2. Call your family and hear their voices. Wish them a happy holidays and feel their love from afar.

3. Spend some time reading something good or engaging your mind somehow.

4. Keep the tree lit, the decorations out, the special atmosphere that will let your mind know it's a special day.

5. Make up some holiday traditions of your own. One of mine is to do something nice for someone else around the holidays. Even small things can take you out of your own head and give you a nice, fuzzy feeling. Buy a coffee for a bell ringer, donate to the animal shelter, send someone a card or nice letter, whatever can bring you joy through giving others some joy.

6. Find something funny to read online or something funny to watch. I don't have TV so I watch YouTube and Netflix. Finding something to make you laugh is very good medicine.


There are so many more things you can do: go to a movie, go out to eat, have a little eggnog or buy some special coffee or anything that makes you happy, take a bubble bath.......


The Holidays can be hard. It's important to remember that people love you even if they are not there. I will be having a special day all by myself and that's okay.


Happy Holidays friends and loved ones. Make it special. Have some fun. Do something for you. Do something for someone else. Do away with calorie counting for the day. Get some exercise. Remember you are special to someone out there.

YOU ARE NEVER TRULY ALONE

Running....away....

A habit of running
Away, away, away
Now more than ever
I want to run away
To disappear
Though there is much love
I have a small, lightweight tent
A sturdy backpack
A lightweight sleeping bag
A few months ago I wanted to run
But ended up in the hospital instead
Perhaps for the best
What would running accomplish
but take me away from friends,
family, community?
But still....the urge to disappear
can some days consume me.
I feel like a small animal
sometimes trapped in a cage.
No way out.
No way forward.
Wanting to get from the dark to
 the light I hope to run to.
I have so many things here in
my town to hold me here.
It is a liberal town.
There are many people here
who love me.
Though when the depression hits
I have a hard time believing it
because my mind is not working
towards my greater good.
I have always been a runner.
My father, the alcoholic bipolar,
was also a runner.
When things got hard he went
to a new place.
Hoping things within him would feel better.
But things were never better.
Not for him, not for my mom,
and definitely not for me.
Running away is not the answer.
Staying here and dealing with problems
IS the answer.
Remembering every day that I have
a community here that cares about me.
That's the most important part.

Heather Lake

What to do when you don't want to leave your house

Today is one of those days when I am a little scared to leave my house. Honest truth here. On this blog I tell the truth about my battles with my illness.

There are many reasons that sometimes I have trouble leaving my house. I feel the world is unsafe. I am scared to talk to people. The noise of the world is too loud. I feel safer here where all is controlled. Sounds and commotion bother me more. Everything seems too bright--too out of control outside my door.

But there ARE steps I take when I feel this way.

1. Breathe. Tell myself the world is an okay, safe place to be
2. Let myself know that nothing bad will happen to me out there
3. Understand that this is just anxiety--not reality
4. Dress nicely
5. Take my MP3 player with me to listen to and tune out the loud world
6. Remind myself I don't have to talk to anyone I don't want to talk to
7. Remind myself I am stronger than my fear
8. Pick one thing to concentrate on for the day--something nice like the sunshine, good people, my friends and family, feeling I am loved.
9. Concentrate on one step at a time--shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, get all packed up for the day, pack my lunch, feed the cats
10. Decide to myself that this is the day something good will happen to me.


It is one foot in front of the other. It's reminding myself that giving up a potentially good day in lieu of safety is not the way to advance my life. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Depression, anxiety and all that comes with them

 


I recently started working again after months of depression and anxiety which kept me practically nailed to my home. I had a hard time going out of the house. I didn't have the energy to talk to people--to do anything other than stay home, sleep, read a little if I could (depression can sap my concentration making it harder for me to read.

I took consolation in the friends I felt I could talk to but my mind told me most of my friends either were overwhelmed and didn't want me around, that I was too much for them, that my ability was more than I said it was. I wanted to work--to be a contributing member of society--but my mind kept me prisoner for months.

This is not the first time. It won't be the last.

I found a job. A job I liked-that I was proud of. But the anxiety made it harder to learn--to concentrate and remember things--to be comfortable around my co-workers, to handle the hours without being exhausted and stressed all the time. My boss was wonderful. My co-workers tried to help me with remembering things but they got frustrated too. I felt frustrated by my inability to do the job as well as I wanted to.

That only made things worse. On the days I wasn't working I was going to my doctor's appointments and getting the bare minimum done that I could manage but spent a lot of time at home-tired, in bed, trying to prepare for the next day of work. Some days I cried at work. Out of frustration at my inabilities, at my tendency to overreact to small, probably not real, slights. I was shy of customers, sometimes forgetting my words. IT was hard to learn the drinks, hard to learn the register, hard to feel comfortable.

Now I will find something else to do. It will be, hopefully, easier on me with my disability and help me to continue working. My doctor at the beginning of this job said it was ambitious to do 25 hours a week but I pushed on-hoping it would get easier. It didn't. Though I was treated very fairly I felt I didn't fit in.


I wish for a future at my job where I can find something that suits me. I feel better when I can work a little. I feel better having a reason to leave the house, a way to make some extra money, a way to learn to connect with people despite my setbacks in my health. The thyroid problem didn't help. I was tired a lot, i had brain fog which caused me to make many mistakes.

There is a reason I get social security. I am not taking from the government without reason. Supporting myself fully and staying well are things I cannot do. I am not "giving up". I am not "lazy". I am not without merit. Many times I overestimate my abilities and sometimes it pays off--in doing some very hard things like running my distance races, working at IU, learning new things.

But, unfortunately, they are unwelcome guests in my mind and they limit me. I wish I could tell people every little way they affect me but it would be a long story. So I just try every day. I work on these things every day. I rest when I need to. I heed my doctor's orders. I ask for help when I need it even though my pride can get in the way. I want to do everything myself.

I just needed to write this. Not to garner sympathy but understanding and to combat any stigma or ways I am misrepresented to others.

All I ask is----please be patient with me. I am doing the very best I can.

Identity crisis: A Disturbance In The Force

  
                                         Identity Crisis: A disturbance in the force


  An identity crisis is no small thing. It feels like a titanic shifting--a sailboat on the Atlantic. It's trying to figure out who you are if you are not what you were.
  When circumstances change and you are no longer able to do what you did that made you YOU there is a quicksand effect where the more you fight the changes the faster you sink. It's a letting go of control that is both difficult but can also be like falling asleep. Surrender to subconscious thought. Dreaming different dreams.
   So you ask, over and over, WHO AM I?  What is my place? Where is my tribe? How can I Become? Where do I want to go from here?
  It could be simple if you let it but the trick is letting go and that can be a steep mountain you have to climb before you can fly again.
  It must be admitting that you are different but still your core self remains. Love yourself where you are. Accept yourself where you are.
   Can you find new people and still retain the original tribe that you so identified with? Can you keep everyone?

   The utmost question:  Will i still be accepted and loved when I've shed the things that I am no longer and what do I do now? Will people understand who I am now?

Big question. No simple answers. Just something to ponder and sift through like sand. It will all get worked out. for now it's just a disturbance in the Force.

Uphill battle with weight and self-esteem

I have been gaining weight. I wish I weren't. I tell myself I am more than this number on the scale. I tell myself what I tell my clients--that being healthy doesn't equate with a body type. The difference is that I was a weight loss story. I went from over 200 lbs down to a slimmer runner's body. I could move better, felt better and had higher self-esteem. And I was treated better in some ways by the world.

I ran half my IT100 race in late April and had gained a bit of weight while still running and training. In May I got the hypothyroid diagnosis and many symptoms kept me from running which has been hard. But the most difficult thing is my weight. Without doing much different I keep gaining and it is hard on a person who was a weight loss success story to start putting it back on. The depression can get real.

People think it is because i have stopped running but I still move all the time. Just not running. When you don't have a car you move a lot more than people think you do. I walk all over the place, run for buses, take my bike.....movement every day. Even when I am home I don't spend a lot of time on the couch.

But, still, the pounds keep coming. As a trainer I feel I should be able to stop this from happening. It takes a great toll on me to realize that it is going to be an uphill battle now. Even when I start running again-hopefully in a couple of weeks-I am going to add going to the YMCA to my schedule so that I can continue to fight this through the winter.

Though I know I am a decent person and that weight doesn't equal my worth it can still be hard to keep in the ring when you feel you are losing the battle. My metabolism is slowed now and so it is just a fight to the finish.

I hope I win.

I'm missing someone tonight

Mel

I'm missing someone tonight

soft curling hair

dark eyes and soft voice

tie-dye shirt she wore all the time

smell of cigarettes and canadian royal

on her breath on a friday night

her breathing to me in voice so sweet

“You are an angel in heaven,

I love you sooooo much.”

our bird feeders, fried chicken for dinner,

her love of country ribs

fishing on a summer evening

baiting chicken livers for catfish

she told me it was better fishing

after the rain.

Children calling in the yard,

the fire pit I dug and built

lit up against fireflies flitting

around the tiki torches in the yard

and the moon all big and round

above our love.

Above our home where love and faithfulness

met and lived and ran through

everything we did, everything we touched.

Our crowded, loud and always busy home.

Heather Lake

In Honor of my late wife Melinda