The Broken Brain's Journey through Underland

Written  by Heather Rose

Winding up, thoughts swirling,

pulse burning, heart banging,

feeling that your hair is on fire,

your feet won't move,

you cannot find a solid thought.

            Dying down, laying, sleeping,

thoughts slowing, mind darkening,

lights turning off and off and off,

brain dimming, energy draining,

falling down a deep hole into mindless sleep.

             Light hitting like a fist,

voices all around so loud, so close,

the sound of a car engine makes you

want to yell to SHUT UP!

Everything hits you like a raw nerve.

Lights, sounds, movement, people

moving around you, people talking

all sound too loud.

             Someone can hear me. Someone can see me

through my computer screen.Through my TV.

Someone is after me. There are plots all around.

Who is a friend? Who isn't? Unsure.Too aware.

All movement is meant for me. All static.

All rotating around my busy, busy mind.

Doors locked. Cell phone off. Computer off.

Inside. Inside. Inside. Quiet. Alone. Safe.

So tired. So tired. Mind tired. Body tired.

Faith lost. Future lost. Deepening down to

my worn heart. Beating slowly now.

Thoughts darkening like storms becoming

tornadoes blasting away the light.

Head down. Eyes closed. Heart protected.

Up goes the big, brick wall.

The locked gate.

The sentry at the door.

No one gets in. No one gets out.

The trickiness of the invisible disability

    I am so happy I can keep a good job. I am so happy I can live independently and handle many things on my own. I have helpers but they don't need to micromanage. I have doctors who treat me with care and consideration. I have work that makes me happy, good friends and  a place to lay my head at night.
  Though I have a few conditions which work against me I am good at fighting and I am good at hiding when I am not feeling my best. I work hard every day at staying as healthy as I can and still being able to have a full and enjoyable life.

There are many disabilities which are invisible to the eye. I don't have a guide dog, a wheelchair or an obvious developmental disability. I DO have a few setback to my overall health that I have combated since I was 22 years old and still affect me today. Sometimes these things are more obvious than other times. Sometimes I can hide them almost completely. ;

However for those who see people acting strangely on the bus, parking in a disabled parking spot when they can walk, using a service dog when they don't seem on the outside to need one......don't judge them. Think about taking a walk in their shoes for one day and see if you can see  a difference.


It only takes one hurtful comment to ruin someone's day. If you can't be kind at least be quiet.

Dealing with political upheaval with a mental illness

What to do in a political upheaval and scary situation





I have been upset since the election. VERY UPSET. For the first few days I didn't want to leave the house because of my fears. In my 47 years on spaceship Earth I have never seen an American election go so horribly wrong as to elect a mysogenistic, racist, able-ist, ignorant and, most definitely, dangerous sexual predator to the highest office in the land.

I have not known what to do. Being on the fringes in some way of this administration due to my disability *which he openly mocks*  and my sexual orientation I feel threatened in a way I have never felt threatened before.

It opens my heart to see so many participating in the marches all over the world today. I wish my disability would let me join the crowds and take part. I have sent in my name and why I don't want him to be in charge in to the National March for Disabled. So I am there. But I want to do more. But when you have some disability(ies) it can make it challenging.


So I have composed some ways those with mental challenges could deal with all of this:

1. Keep up with your self-care. You cannot care for anyone else unless you are taken care of first
2.  Talk to your doctor if this situation is making your symptoms worse
3. if you feel helpless and suicidal due to this please call a suicide hotline  and speak to someone
4. If you have paranoid thoughts try to talk yourself out of that place by looking up facts online, talking to a friend or just distract yourself from the news for a bit.
5. If you feel in danger at any time do not be afraid to call 911. They will not take you to the hospital simply for being afraid.
6. Listen to your caregivers and trust when they say you will be safe. The only way to get through this with a disability is to take the care and trust in other people.
7. Take time away from social media, the news and any other medium that feeds your anxiety and paranoia. Go to the woods. Go to a park. Don't take your phone. Unplug. Write things down. Do something ever day that helps you feel better
8. Use what you have. Write letters to senators, sign online petitions, post on social media about things that anger you and let people know what is going on, give some money to organizations that need it right now, buy a subscription to a paper...you can do much if you just have a little ingenuity. 


Most importantly remember that though you may not have the capacity to do as much as some others do you still are important, you still have value to participate in the movement in as many ways as you are able and you are needed.

How to spend Christmas alone without feeling lonely

I am alone for Christmas. It is not too bad as I am becoming more of an introvert and I have lived alone now for almost 10 years so I am used to it. I really don't mind being alone. I feel I refresh my batteries--Heather on the charger so to speak. Many people are alone for the holidays and many feel lonely. I want to reach out to those through this post and let them know that though they may be alone you are not really ever alone. If you have family and friends, even if you are not seeing them on that day, you can remember that you are still loved.

I have been alone for many holidays over the years and have discovered some nice things to do so I can celebrate it without getting sad about it.

1. Do something special for yourself on that day. Whether it is ordering some yummy food, cooking something special, watching a good movie or taking a walk to the park. Find something special to do just for you.

2. Call your family and hear their voices. Wish them a happy holidays and feel their love from afar.

3. Spend some time reading something good or engaging your mind somehow.

4. Keep the tree lit, the decorations out, the special atmosphere that will let your mind know it's a special day.

5. Make up some holiday traditions of your own. One of mine is to do something nice for someone else around the holidays. Even small things can take you out of your own head and give you a nice, fuzzy feeling. Buy a coffee for a bell ringer, donate to the animal shelter, send someone a card or nice letter, whatever can bring you joy through giving others some joy.

6. Find something funny to read online or something funny to watch. I don't have TV so I watch YouTube and Netflix. Finding something to make you laugh is very good medicine.


There are so many more things you can do: go to a movie, go out to eat, have a little eggnog or buy some special coffee or anything that makes you happy, take a bubble bath.......


The Holidays can be hard. It's important to remember that people love you even if they are not there. I will be having a special day all by myself and that's okay.


Happy Holidays friends and loved ones. Make it special. Have some fun. Do something for you. Do something for someone else. Do away with calorie counting for the day. Get some exercise. Remember you are special to someone out there.

YOU ARE NEVER TRULY ALONE

Running....away....

A habit of running
Away, away, away
Now more than ever
I want to run away
To disappear
Though there is much love
I have a small, lightweight tent
A sturdy backpack
A lightweight sleeping bag
A few months ago I wanted to run
But ended up in the hospital instead
Perhaps for the best
What would running accomplish
but take me away from friends,
family, community?
But still....the urge to disappear
can some days consume me.
I feel like a small animal
sometimes trapped in a cage.
No way out.
No way forward.
Wanting to get from the dark to
 the light I hope to run to.
I have so many things here in
my town to hold me here.
It is a liberal town.
There are many people here
who love me.
Though when the depression hits
I have a hard time believing it
because my mind is not working
towards my greater good.
I have always been a runner.
My father, the alcoholic bipolar,
was also a runner.
When things got hard he went
to a new place.
Hoping things within him would feel better.
But things were never better.
Not for him, not for my mom,
and definitely not for me.
Running away is not the answer.
Staying here and dealing with problems
IS the answer.
Remembering every day that I have
a community here that cares about me.
That's the most important part.

Heather Lake

What to do when you don't want to leave your house

Today is one of those days when I am a little scared to leave my house. Honest truth here. On this blog I tell the truth about my battles with my illness.

There are many reasons that sometimes I have trouble leaving my house. I feel the world is unsafe. I am scared to talk to people. The noise of the world is too loud. I feel safer here where all is controlled. Sounds and commotion bother me more. Everything seems too bright--too out of control outside my door.

But there ARE steps I take when I feel this way.

1. Breathe. Tell myself the world is an okay, safe place to be
2. Let myself know that nothing bad will happen to me out there
3. Understand that this is just anxiety--not reality
4. Dress nicely
5. Take my MP3 player with me to listen to and tune out the loud world
6. Remind myself I don't have to talk to anyone I don't want to talk to
7. Remind myself I am stronger than my fear
8. Pick one thing to concentrate on for the day--something nice like the sunshine, good people, my friends and family, feeling I am loved.
9. Concentrate on one step at a time--shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, get all packed up for the day, pack my lunch, feed the cats
10. Decide to myself that this is the day something good will happen to me.


It is one foot in front of the other. It's reminding myself that giving up a potentially good day in lieu of safety is not the way to advance my life. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Depression, anxiety and all that comes with them

 


I recently started working again after months of depression and anxiety which kept me practically nailed to my home. I had a hard time going out of the house. I didn't have the energy to talk to people--to do anything other than stay home, sleep, read a little if I could (depression can sap my concentration making it harder for me to read.

I took consolation in the friends I felt I could talk to but my mind told me most of my friends either were overwhelmed and didn't want me around, that I was too much for them, that my ability was more than I said it was. I wanted to work--to be a contributing member of society--but my mind kept me prisoner for months.

This is not the first time. It won't be the last.

I found a job. A job I liked-that I was proud of. But the anxiety made it harder to learn--to concentrate and remember things--to be comfortable around my co-workers, to handle the hours without being exhausted and stressed all the time. My boss was wonderful. My co-workers tried to help me with remembering things but they got frustrated too. I felt frustrated by my inability to do the job as well as I wanted to.

That only made things worse. On the days I wasn't working I was going to my doctor's appointments and getting the bare minimum done that I could manage but spent a lot of time at home-tired, in bed, trying to prepare for the next day of work. Some days I cried at work. Out of frustration at my inabilities, at my tendency to overreact to small, probably not real, slights. I was shy of customers, sometimes forgetting my words. IT was hard to learn the drinks, hard to learn the register, hard to feel comfortable.

Now I will find something else to do. It will be, hopefully, easier on me with my disability and help me to continue working. My doctor at the beginning of this job said it was ambitious to do 25 hours a week but I pushed on-hoping it would get easier. It didn't. Though I was treated very fairly I felt I didn't fit in.


I wish for a future at my job where I can find something that suits me. I feel better when I can work a little. I feel better having a reason to leave the house, a way to make some extra money, a way to learn to connect with people despite my setbacks in my health. The thyroid problem didn't help. I was tired a lot, i had brain fog which caused me to make many mistakes.

There is a reason I get social security. I am not taking from the government without reason. Supporting myself fully and staying well are things I cannot do. I am not "giving up". I am not "lazy". I am not without merit. Many times I overestimate my abilities and sometimes it pays off--in doing some very hard things like running my distance races, working at IU, learning new things.

But, unfortunately, they are unwelcome guests in my mind and they limit me. I wish I could tell people every little way they affect me but it would be a long story. So I just try every day. I work on these things every day. I rest when I need to. I heed my doctor's orders. I ask for help when I need it even though my pride can get in the way. I want to do everything myself.

I just needed to write this. Not to garner sympathy but understanding and to combat any stigma or ways I am misrepresented to others.

All I ask is----please be patient with me. I am doing the very best I can.