Love Never Ends

                                                                                                                                                                                    Love Never Ends

             This Thanksgiving it will be 6 years to the day that my Mel died. We were together for 5 years when she passed. She was only 45. It was sudden and confusing and traumatic for not only me but her daughter and granddaughters and siblings. We were not quite sure what happened. I went out to Wendy's and Kroger one night. Her last words to me were "Bring me back a chili with cheese." I always regret not giving her a hug goodbye. When I got home she was basically gone. I called 911 and they tried their best but she passed away that night. I was stunned, overwhelmed and very, very sad. That winter was hard. I was in the house where we lived and where she died. I spent a lot of time at home watching TV. I watched a lot of stand up comedy. Though it didn't make me laugh much it at least gave me something positive to focus on every day. I got pretty sick inside. I wrote poetry, I painted, I tried to get out and do stuff.
       I was that way for awhile then began to find my way back to the land of the living. I have described this journey many times so I won't go into it again however I feel I conquered more than my health but also my emotional/mental state. Working out gave me something to really concentrate on, something to feel in control of. I was not in total control over my world however when I was in class or on my own, exercising and learning new skills, I felt I had control over that at least. I moved into a new place and started truly embracing a new life. I took my AFAA course and became certified as a personal trainer, joined the staff at Recreational Sports and started really enjoying things again. I was no longer just surviving but thriving.
     Six years later and I am stronger than I have ever been and I count Mel's death as part of that. Because of her early demise and how swiftly it occured it showed me the Power of Now. She didn't know that was her last day on earth. What would she have done differently if she had known? Now is all we have. The past is over and the future is not here yet. If I were to die today would I die with a clean conscience, a satisfied heart and a soul overflowing with good things? I strive for that to be the case. 45 is way too young to die. Now that I am getting up to that age I treat every day with the respect it deserves.
      I take chances. I strive to learn something new every day. I work hard at my job, my relationships and my training so I can continue to do the things that now make me ME. Running long distances has been a big part of my recovery. When I am on a run, especially really long runs or races, I have time to get quiet inside and to think of all the things that make me happy. I make sense of my life, the choices I made and how it has all panned out today. Whether on the road or on the trails (though I prefer the woods) a good run always clears my head and brings me home in my heart. When those feet hit the ground my soul is lifted, my heart is full and I feel if Mel is looking down at me now she is happy I am happy. She wouldn't want this to have ruined my life.
      This Thanksgiving I am going to run a turkey trot, go out to eat somewhere and work at the Community Kitchen that evening. It may not be the easiest day for me but then life is not meant to be easy. To be truly authentic my life must be made up of challenges otherwise how would I grow? Like being sore after a good workout and knowing it is because your muscles are growing and adapting, going through hard things makes little tears in your heart so that it can then grow stronger and better, adapt and change. And I can be truly thankful that I got to meet and spend time with someone so strong, loving and sweet. She is gone but never truly gone.
      I try not to be someone who spreads sadness. I write this not for pity, sympathy or counseling but only because for ME to be real and whole as a person I must write my story good and bad. It has made me who I am today. It has made me stronger, better and more fully "present" in my life. LOVE NEVER ENDS.

 

 

In Her Memory

November 28,2007

summer is almost gone. What have I done with it??

  School buses are out. The mornings feel crisper. There are pumpkins and hardy mums at the grocery store. Summer is almost over and what did I do with it?
                  Nothing really
  
   I never left town, didn't go see my mom, never traveled to some lovely place or go hiking in the mountains. I didn't see a beach once. I never even got to the pool. No time at the lake. Sigh. I was feeling a mixture of things about it on my walk to work this morning. On the one hand I got a new position at work as a fitness instructor and so spent a lot of time this summer teaching and I had clients to train so I was busy and I love my job and love teaching so that has been very nice.
   I also moved mid-summer to a new house which has been an adjustment for me. Primarily a good one but even positive stress is still stress.
   And, Of course, I have been running a lot. I started in June/July training for my first 50K which is exciting. I ran a marathon as a training run for it early this month and that was GREAT!!  Training is going well and I feel good about that however it takes a LOT of time. I am running 3X a week during the week and have been running back to back long runs on the weekends. So pretty much this summer has been:

1.    running
2. work
3. sleeping
4. eating
5. some time with friends
6. more running.............and more running..........

  I am trying not to be too bummed that I didn't get a vacation away this summer. I didn't get to run in any new places or discover anything novel but I did have some fun times here at home amidst all the work, chores and general life-living stuff.

     Fall schedule for the gym starts next week and I will be teaching a circuit strength class in addition to three trekking classes a week plus I have two new clients and some continuing ones. So I can't complain. It has been nice to live vicariously through my friends' many adventures.

Tips and tricks for positive thinking--turning a bad day around

When I am having a bad day (and I know some people will argue that phrase with me but oh well) I have some ways of making it better. Here are some of my tips and tricks that work well to get me out of a negative headspace and make it a better time for me and everyone around me.

• Think of something else. The skill of distraction is a basic emotional survival skill. When something is upsetting me the worst thing to do is gnaw on it like a dog with a bone. The problem just gets bigger and bigger until a small well has become a huge sinkhole. Some of my go-to distractions are music, stand up comedy on YouTube, a walk or run, a bike ride where I go really fast and lose myself in it, art/decoupage, playing with my cats, reading, cleaning.
• Do something for someone else.Call somewhere and set up a volunteer shift. The best way to improve your day is by improving someone else's. Give someone a little something. Pick some flowers for a friend and surprise them with them. Bake a cake and share it with some friends. Visit a nursing home and play cards with the residents. There are so many things you can do. Get out of yourself and your problems will shrink.
• Don't be afraid of comfort foods! I say this because people sometimes want a certain food because it gives them comfort in troubled times. It might be chocolate chip cookies, macaroni and cheese, ice cream, something your mother or grandmother used to make. But people eat these and then spend time feeling guilty about eating them. DON'T DO THIS! They are called comfort foods for a reason: because they help us cope. If you want some of these eat them. Just don't eat the whole plate of cookies or the whole pint of ice cream. BUT...don't eat them if you are going to follow it with guilt and shame thoughts. That will only make you feel worse and the "comfort" in the food is lost.
• Tune into the world around you and put the I-pod/I-pad/Kindle/I-phone away. I have started making myself un-hook from technology at least once or twice a day. I read in Scientific American Mind recently that loneliness can lead you to an early grave however they find that even engaging in some small talk every day (with the bus driver, store clerk, table busser) can help ease that loneliness and make you healthier. Plus then I give myself opportunities for interesting connections with others and that feels good.
• I take a nap. Yep. I am a big napper. If I have time during the day I take a nap. I have been one of those people who sometimes plan a day around a nap. Sleep helps everything feel better and gives you more ability to handle things. On that note: 8 hours sleep. Put the computer down an hour before bedtime, dim the lights, wear a sleep mask if you are around blinking blue lights (it has been said that blue light can disrupt our circadian rhythms) and don't eat any big meals before bed. Turn off the TV too and perhaps read a bit or do some meditation.

Well there are my big tips. Hope it might help you...they sure help me!

little things

 
     I woke up this morning and decided I wanted to write. Nothing specific. Sometimes I just feel like letting some stuff out. Living alone is alright except when you feel like processing something with another person. Then I must find an outlet and blogging is that outlet.
     Since the training run (marathon) on Saturday I have only run once. Yesterday I put in my 4 miles from my training schedule  but today I am supposed to do 6. I kind of wish I had someone to run with. Thursday I am to do 8miles so I will go to running group and hope to find someone who wants to run with me.
    Today I don't have anything going on until I teach this evening so I am using the time to get my paperwork organized, work on my trekking playlists, do laundry and clean. I am also going to make a pot of broccoli soup. The recipe is really simple:  two cans of cream of chicken soup, 2 cans of cream of mushroom soup, big head of broccoli that you separate into smaller pieces. Then add milk, salt and pepper and let it sit and simmer for about an hour. The broccoli mushes up into the soup and just spreads that flavor around and it is really yummy! That will be my dinner along with some leftover ham I got to take home from the race (Thanks Melanie!)

    My thought for the day: Do not compare yourself to others. There will always be those who are more accomplished, more popular and have more material wealth than you do. Remember that all those things are surface things and that the most important thing is to be honest with yourself and those around you and try to raise up each moment with what you choose to do.

first month in the new home

      I have now been in my new home for a month. It is a very different way of life from what I am used to. But I like it. Daily chores are a bit more time consuming but I think that is a good way to live. I have started to develop a pattern which is quite nice.
   I get up early and go outside and wake up the chickens. Actually I just open their coop door and they come out. I like the chickens. We have 12 of them and that means free range fresh eggs!  Throughout the day I save up my food scraps for them. I also save leftover lettuce and carrots for the bunnies. We have three of them. They like it when I give them food. I like to watch them eat the food I give them. I don't have water here so I fetch water from the main house and keep it in my little fridge. I also take my dishes into the main house to wash them...collecting them in a big basket throughout the day.
   It is easy to keep the house clean as there isn't much room for it to be messy. I do have to keep it very organized, however, as the least bit of mess shows up really clearly. But I have always liked to have things orderly anyway. I like having a kitchen table next to the window where the cats can look out and watch the bird feeder. They love that! I also have my little home gym set up here. Got my punching bag/gloves, medicine ball, mat, foam roller, TRX, bands and weights. I have a pullup bar but haven't found  a good place to put it up yet.
   It is very nice also to have a garden. I can go out my door and gather fresh tomatoes. There is broccoli growing, beans, pumpkins and squash. I have fresh lemon balm and peppermint. I have a friend told me to put peppermint in my water would make it taste better and colder. I think that is true because when I chew my spearmint gum and then drink water with it still in my mouth the water is almost too cold to drink!!
   I am excited for when it gets cold enough I can try out my little woodstove! I have always wanted a fireplace. I love the feel of a warm fire (one of my favorite things about camping) , I love the way they smell. I am looking forward to a nice, crisp fall night when I can snuggle down in front of the fire and read a book. It's great to have my artwork displayed where friends can see it. I am now starting to work on a new collage! I finally got some mod podge and a new board. I also got a new sketch pad and some pencils. I have many pencils but I wanted these particular kind that are wash pencils so you can draw something and then put a wet brush against it and it will wash it like a watercolor. OH and the main house has a piano!! I am thinking of taking piano lessons.
   I get along great with all my housemates and feel pretty at home here. So yep! Now to fill it with friends. :-)   maybe a game night...or something.

What goes up must come down: personal challenges

   I want to share something with you that is difficult for me but I believe it will help you understand me better. I have bipolar disorder. For those who don't know what that is it means I have problems sometimes regulating my moods.I have been reluctant to talk about this because, contrary to what people may say, there is still stigma attached to this. I didn't want to lose friends or mess up my progress by letting people know this but I think it will help put together the puzzle pieces for you all when it comes to me and how I act, think and react. I decided that if people are going to judge me for having a disorder I never asked for and wish I didn't have then perhaps those people are ones I wouldn't want in my life anyway. 
   I was diagnosed in my early 20's. Both of my parents had mental illnesses so it was not surprising when I was told I had one too. I struggled with it for a long time and, to a degree, still do. I have worked very hard to overcome my obstacles and have a very successful life. I have friends, a great job and have done some amazing things like run marathons and progress in my career. I know, though, that if you are my friend you will have seen me in my ups and downs with my moods. Despite this I have confronted my illness and taken care of a lot of my symptoms. Thank you to all the good people in my life who love me and are there for me however I am feeling day to day. I owe you a debt of gratitude.

Procrastination: do it later

 
    I have SO MUCH TO DO! And you know what? I am not doing any of it....YET. Here is my checklist of stuff I am supposed to get done today:

1. write out trekking class, work on playlist
2. Finish pre-marathon prep: i.e. hydration/nutrition plan, clothes choices, taper strategy for this week.
3. Get ready for the new week
4. Make my lunch meal for the next few days
5. Call AFAA about my certificate

Yeah. That's all. And you know what I AM doing? Cruising facebook, looking at YouTube videos, blogging.
Basically I am writing a post about procrastination as a means of procrastination. Why do we do this? I am usually pretty good about tackling things but something happens to me on Sundays. Even though I have prep work to do sometimes it is hard to get to it. I always get it done but it might be a race to the finish to do it. And it's not like I don't LOVE my work. I DO! I have the greatest job in the world. And I am psyched about my marathon so that is not it either. Do I like having that "down-to-the-wire" thrill of adrenaline? Maybe. Anyway, I guess I better stop writing my blog and get back to what I am supposed to be doing.

Or maybe I will do it after a little bit. I hear YouTube calling my name................

"Idiocracy"...funny movie!

      I watched this movie today. It was so funny!    (SPOILER ALERT) It brought out some good points as well about American culture.It was a huge satirical leap of course. But some things were really kind of spot on. The people were really into stupid reality TV which, sorry, many Americans ARE. The TV had gotten so low class 500 years in the future, though, that the Oscar winning movie of the year was 90 minutes of someone showing their butt and farting. Wow.
    Commercialism had gotten rampant with everything sporting labels of various kinds: people's clothes looked like Nascar cars. The only thing to drink was a sports drink....no one drank plain water. They memorized the commercial and spouted like robots "But it has electrolytes!"
     People's IQ's are so low that the character played by Luke Wilson, an average guy, is now the smartest guy on the planet. He gets raised to a big government job, which in that day is mostly done in an MTV-Monday night smashdown--kind of format. He teaches them that sports drink won't work to grow crops and they need to give them, GASP!, water.

Anyway it was really funny! I am glad I caught it to watch it today!

My favorite movies

You know what my favorite all time movie is? Breakfast at Tiffany's. I love that movie! I can't even explain all the reasons for it. Probably because I think Audrey Hepburn was one of the most beautiful actresses of all time but also she is fragile. She is troubled. But despite this she learns and grows as a person, meets someone who also encourages her to grow......even grows to love Cat the cat. She shows this by running in the rain after Cat after she puts her out of the taxi. And then her love shows up also in the rain and they kiss and she doesn't go to the spanish guy's country and live on his ranch.

I like romantic comedies. I admit it. They are sweet, funny, entertaining and I like to believe in true love. Gotta believe in something right? I have watched all the biggies and love them all. Here are my top 20 romantic comedy movies:

1. Breakfast at Tiffany's
2. Pretty Woman
3. When Harry Met Sally
4. Annie Hall
5. On a Clear Day You Can See Forever
6. Sleepless in Seattle
7. Big
8. You've Got Mail
9. Say Anything
10. Jerry McGuire
11. Bridget Jones' Diary
12. Notting Hill
13. 10 Things I Hate about You
14. 50 First Dates
15. The Wedding Singer
16. As Good As It Gets
17. Pretty in Pink
18. Chasing Amy
19. Ella Enchanted
20. She's All That

and 21: You may argue with me here but The Breakfast Club. Yeah it's all about teens coming to terms with their issues and stuff but at the end...everyone hooks up. So I consider that a romantic comedy/coming of age hybrid.So this is just me rambling on about the movies I like.

I also like action movies. I think it is great when stuff blows up and people do exciting stunts like jumping from one motorcycle to another or taking over flying a plane. My top 10 action movies:

1. Con Air
2. Air Force 1
3. Speed
4. Mr. and Mrs. Smith
5. Independence Day
6. Men in Black *could also be deemed a sci-fi comedy*
7. Face Off
8. ALL The James Bond movies!!
9. The Net
10.Armageddon

And last...for drama. Top 10:

1. Shawshank Redemption
2. The Green Mile
3. Rocky 1 and Rocky 4
4. Witness
5. The Sixth Sense
6. One Flew Over the Cookoos Nest
7. Girl Interrupted
8. 28 days
9. Titanic
10. The Day After


So that's all my big lists. Movies are fun to dissect if you ever have the chance. Get with some people and play movie critic. Big fun for everyone!